Questioning Yourself

I have been going through a bit of an emotional "funk" lately. I'm trying to pull myself out of it, but so far, it ain't workin'. I find myself going through a period of questioning myself, questioning things about me that I believe are true and then suddenly, I feel like maybe . . I'm not.

Case in point #1: I worked on a nightmare of a project for six months. I put amazingly long hours into it, did enormous amounts of research, wrote, rewrote, revised, re-revised, trying to complete it as the editor was asking. Directions were vague to say the least. While working on it, the company gave me two other projects to work on . . . . it was stressful and I really poured myself into it. Editor B said I did a great job on project 2. Editor A, however, started with comments like "could use a few changes" and escalated to "we have hired someone else to fix everything you did, so you aren't likely to get paid". Many rants have been inspired by this project, lemme tell ya. At this point, I am guessing the $2000 I was expecting will turn into something like $200.

Case in point #2: I, like a billion other people on the planet, was looking around Facebook and came across my fiancee from back in the late 1970s. Thinking, apparently like a WOMAN, I thought I would say hello to him. Since then, we have exchanged about a dozen emails in which I have been told I basically ruined his life. I mean, it was 30 years ago people. I figured he was long married and had kids and I wanted to wish him a happy life. Best of intentions. But clearly, I have caused him a life time of pain. Okay then . . . .

Case in point #3: I wrote a column for Home Education Magazine that yes, had some seriousness to it, but was mostly just a call for young people to take parenting seriously and to educate themselves on important issues before blindly making childrearing decisions. Once again, best of intentions. Instead, I seem to have upset some readers and even a friend of mine found a lot to question in what I said.

So, I find myself flucuating between confidence in my beliefs and abilities and memories and self-doubt about them. I know this ties into the fact that work is slow, income is down, winter is coming and my emotional well-being is a little shakier than usual. See that huge black spiral I seem to be caught in?

I think I'd better find a life preserver pretty quick.