T Minus . . . too little time

Not feeling particularly clever and creative today. Down to the last 24 hours before she leaves and it is a little bit too real. I know this is a good decision. I know she will have a wonderful adventure. I know she will make memories she will cherish for the rest of her life. She may find her future husband. She will see sights and parts of the world I certainly never will. Being happy for her and this opportunity isn't a problem. She has worked hard for it and I am beyond thrilled that she is grabbing this chance and going out to explore and discover.

But it is hard.
And I spend many quiet moments crying.
Because I will miss her more than words can say.
YES, I know we have Skype and email and snail mail.
YES, I know she is 23 and she is an adult.
YES, I know I will have Joseph, Caspian, and Coryn.
YES, I know I will adapt to her being gone.
I know all this and it really doesn't help a bit--not right now when I have to say goodbye.
Nope, not right now.
Send hugs.

Ambivalence, Thy Name is Mother

Today I will spend almost every waking moment cleaning. We are hosting a potluck/Bon Voyage party for Nicole today as she leaves in just over a week for Australia. I will make grocery lists, make food, put away endless STUFF, greet people, smile, have a good time seeing friends and meeting my kids' friends--but inside there is a little war going on between Good Mom and Bad Mom.

You see, I am THRILLED that Nicole is going back to Oz. She has made some incredible friends there--some of the best in her lifetime. Even though it has been two years since she went the first time, these friends have reached out across the miles during that time and listened, laughed, supported, shared, and kept in contact. Really great people. And it totally makes sense that she wants to go back and spend time with them.

She has worked full time plus for more than a year to raise the money for this. She has saved her tips and spent money carefully, frugally. She bought her work visa, and her tickets. I am so proud of her.

And I WANT her to go. It was ME who originally threw out the suggestion months ago. Hey, you had so much fun there, why not go back? It started the ball rolling.

But oh my, I do NOT want her to go. My husband adores me. My sons love me. My daughter GETS me. She knows how I am doing from the way I sigh, my tone of voice in a single word, or the way I move. She is almost telepathic in how she knows exactly what I am thinking. She also makes me laugh harder than anyone I have ever known. We share hobbies--spending hours crafting together and writing letters and reading.

And letting my daughter go thousands of miles to the other side of the world, you got it. Opportunity, adventure, excitement, friends, all of it. Letting my best friend go, however, not so easy. Who will search the bottom shelves of the thrift store on my favorite aisles for me? Who will squeal at a great finding and hug me? Who will sit at the craft table with me and show off her current masterpiece and then oooh and aaaah over mine? Who will make me say and sing and do incredibly stupid stuff just because she asked me to? Who will I buy Minions for and hide them around her room? Who will know, without my saying a word, that I am struggling and come over to hug me? Who will tear up at poignant scenes in movies with me? Who will wrap Christmas presents with me the day before Christmas, listening to music and laughing too much to do a decent job?

Ah yes, ambivalence . . your name is mother. Because I am sitting here helping her pack and prepare, and internally wanting to super glue her to her room. Because seeing her go off into the world full of excitement and enthusiasm and independence means Joseph and I did something very right with her, and I guess, the intense pain I feel at our separation means the very same thing. Sigh.

But it ain't easy.

Too Fast, Too Much, Too Loud

Life is flowing past me a little faster than I would prefer. Ha, hence taking this long to post again! I can't seem to hold onto time the way I want to these days. It just slips by, and I feel like I am running after it like a pet owner who has dropped the leash and is scrambling to get it, but the dog is hell bent on running for eternity. Yes, you're welcome for the incredibly odd metaphor.

August just . . . flew. We had a houseguest--Joseph's youngest brother rode his motorcycle here from Indiana, as he did last year, and spent 5 days visiting. I think he had a good time--at least he had a more comfortable bed this year, and he got to spend time with each of the kids since all were home.

In early September, we went camping at a local campground. How in the world you can go from being in the busy city to the deep woods in under 30 minutes, I just can't understand. I felt like we drove through a portal of some kind while I was blinking. Suddenly we were surrounded by 80 foot tall pine trees and moss and ferns--and the sounds of birds, and wind--it was wonderful. We are pretty experienced at setting up camp, so within an hour the five of us had three tents, two tables, six chairs, and a kitchen all set up. We spent the time reading, napping, talking, laughing, and relaxing. No work. No phones. No computers. Just nature. At one point--a little too much nature as a deer came wandering into our site, stood three feet away from me and munched on some of our trash. I chatted with him a bit before he wandered off. A few hours later, he returned with a couple of friends and they tried to take ALL of our groceries--Nicole stopped them.

Now fall is already sneaking in on chilly breezes and dropping leaves, and I am not ready, never ready. I love summer and it is hard to see it go. October means Nicole is leaving again as well--she is returning to Australia to live with the friends she met there last time. She has her work visa and places to stay, and this time, I suspect it will be six months or more before she returns. Coryn is planning to "join" her in January when he flies to New Zealand. Suddenly the house sure will feel emptier. I suspect a great deal of time will be spent on Skype.

This morning, along with wishing I could make time SLOW DOWN DAMN IT, I also wish I could turn my hearing off. You know--you climb into bed and close your eyes so vision stops. Why can't we do the same thing with hearing? Just close our ears? We have a snoring dog that has ruined many a night for me . . . I usually foist her off onto one of the kids, but since all three are working full time at the airport and have to be up at a ridiculous 4:30 A.M. to get there, I just can't do it. I've tried putting the pillow over my head, playing music, and yes, even kicking the dog. All to no avail. The couch was bed for me all night last night. Good thing it is a fairly comfy couch!

Work was slow and intermittent and then WHAM! I have been deluged with ongoing assignments that--thankfully--give me job security for the last 2-3 months--a rarity in the freelancing world. I won't be sitting around twiddling my thumbs any time soon . . . . No, I will be the one chasing after that leash and hoping when I catch it, the dog doesn't start snoring.

Using that Happiness Formula

Today I am making sure I follow my happiness formula carefully. It is Saturday morning and Nicole has the day off from work--a miracle. She ALWAYS works on Saturdays. I worked really hard all week so that I had today off too. 

So, I got up, scanned the CNN headlines, watched six videos of returning soldiers, and cute babies laughing, and funny kids, and silly commercials--laughter and happy tears--CHECK. Next, I will hit the shower, then get dressed and fill my day with getting coffee, getting a snack at the local Saturday market, going to a favorite coffee shop and writing letters for HOURS while I talk endlessly with Nicole (she has some BIG decisions to make in the coming weeks, so I am sure our conversations will veer into the profound here and there), and then coming home, sitting at the kitchen table and CRAFTING with her until dinner . . . then watching a movie on the couch snuggled next to my handsome life partner, and finally, reading before bed. I have no doubt I will go to bed with a huge smile on my face, having had darn near the perfect day. 

Happiness? Check. 

A Happiness Formula

I was fortunate enough to spend a couple of hours with a good friend of mine this morning (and you know who you are), and our main topic of discussion was happiness--finding it, and maintaining it. It was a great conversation and I hope she walked away from it feeling as rewarded as I did. She always asks me some pretty profound questions, and today she asked, "How do you manage to stay happy in a world so full of conflict and misery and chaos?" (along those lines!) What a question! It inspired more talking, and then, after leaving, even more thinking on my part. Here is what I have come up with so far. . . .
1. I surround myself with people I love. If I don't love--or at least really like them, unless I have to somehow work with them--I keep my distance.  For those I love, I touch, hug, and kiss often. Repeat.
2. I surround myself with positive affirmations . . they are all over my walls in every single room. Happy sayings, sayings about family, love, friends, gratitude, happiness, kindness . . . every. single. room. In the living room alone, I have 20 or more. Too much? Probably, but I believe it works.
3. I focus on doing what I love as much as possible. Do I have to do things I do NOT love? Sadly, yes. That makes me human. But if I do, I give myself rewards in between. Finish this project and you can decorate some envelopes. Write this assignment and you get to go get coffee with Joseph. And so on.
4. I don't watch the news. Yeah, I know. Ostrich Tami . . but really, I do keep up with headlines, but I can NOT watch local or national news about murder and starvation and kids dying and stupid people . . if I did, I couldn't get up in the morning. And most of all, WATCHING it will not make a difference.
5. I focus on making my home happy and full of love. My kids are loved and listened to and supported. I know that by raising wonderful children, they will go out and make their own differences in the world.
6. I choose ways to make a difference, even though it may be small. I write letters of comfort to those in need. Send gifts. Get involved in organizations like ChemoAngel. I help anyone I see that I can--with carrying something, finding something, paying for something. If there is an opportunity and I able to do it, I will.
7. I focus on laughter. I laugh with my kids EVERY DAY. I tell jokes. I laugh in the dark with Joseph. I watch funny TV shows. I read funny books. I skip past the negative Facebook videos and watch the stupid ones that make me smile. Or the returning-soldier-to-family videos that make me cry happy tears.
8. I search hard for that silver lining. It may be buried, but if it is there, I swear I will find it.
9. I count my blessings. I try to always remember how fortunate I am. There is always someone out there who has it worse, and I need to focus on gratitude.
10. I remember the saying "To become, act as if." If I want to be happy, I will act as if I am . . and suddenly, life improves.

So, does this mean I am always happy? No, life gets in the way now and then (like sending me kidney stones or gout). And money and &*!)($)(%&*@ taxes become problems. Or the kids are struggling and I am worrying. Or I miss people I love and can no longer see for one reason or another. Or someone is rude or ugly to me. Or . . . whatever. But in the end, when the day is over and I crawl into bed next to a man I adore and who thinks I am beautiful, all I can feel is gratitude. Oh yeah, and that happiness I mentioned. Lots and lots of that.

Stones Gone, Pain . . Not so Much

Hey gang. Another quick note. I had emergency surgery this morning. Three, yes THREE ,stones were stuck in the ureter, plus a huge one still in the kidney. Thanks to lasers and sound waves, they are all gone now. I am grateful for that, but right now I am still in so much pain (the after effects and the stent) that I am utterly exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, interrupted my multiple trips to pee, which end up making me cry. and nausea waves. Enough complaining. Better days coming soon.

I Thought "Stoned" Would be More Fun than This

Only going to write a short note, friends. These are rough days. I've been in pain for six days now, a LONG six days. Kidney stone pain, coupled with other various and sundry related issues that make resting, working, and just living pretty difficult. I can't eat and I pace a lot . . . went to the doctor yesterday and had blood work and an ultrasound, so now I am just waiting to get results and figure out what to do next. In the meantime, I pace, and take pain pills, and cry a little here and there, and try to think about how I must be losing weight if I walk and don't eat . . . because there's a silver lining somewhere, right?

Send hugs, thoughts, prayers, whatever you prefer. I'll take it.