A Much Better Place

Wow, what a few weeks. So . . highlights since I last posted.

My surgery on April 21 was cancelled. I was devastated. They could have told me SO differently. All it would have taken was, "we can't do the surgery at the surgery center because of your elevated blood sugar, BUT we can do it at the hospital in the next day or so." Instead, they just said we can't do the surgery today and will get you rescheduled. I walked out to the car and just cried. I cried all day. That night, got a phone call--can you come in tomorrow morning at 8 a.m. for the surgery? Yes, I was confused but not about to argue.

So . . . I had the surgery. Lots of details there, but bottom line, it went fine. Nurses were wonderful. Throwing up wasn't. They ended up keeping me overnight because of the blood sugar levels. My handsome hubby spent the night next to me, and we were both reminded--at 12:30, 2:30, 4:30 and 6:30, why no one actually rests in the hospital. I got to come home the next day.

Since then, I'm healing up. I took two full weeks off and I am using them to nap, read, write letters, watch movies, check blood sugar and blood pressure levels, and repeat. Today is my follow up appointment.

Do my back and legs feel better than before surgery? No doubt about it. Not a single leg/foot/toe/ankle cramp since I had it done. Muscles still twitching but I am guessing that is a separate issue. Nice super glued scar on my back. I will know more of how much original pain is GONE when this pain is gone. Right now I can't get through the day without pain pills yet.

I have a week of recovery time left and one of those days (Sunday) is my birthday. My hope is that I feel well enough to go out and do something fun. So far, my biggest foray out of the house has been to get a cup of coffee or go to the bank. Goodwill might send out a rescue party soon since I am sure they think I have been kidnapped by now.

Thanks for checking in, for sending cards and saying prayers and holding me close in your hearts. I know every bit of that has helped the recovery process. Stay tuned.

A Bad Place

Sorry folks. No humor here. No witty remarks or snickers. Honestly--I'm in a pretty bad place right now. I reported for surgery this morning and was told I was once again diabetic, so they couldn't do it. I've been on Atkins for six weeks, eating low carb and very healthy. I don't have a single sign of diabetes. I see my doctor tomorrow morning and am hopefully rescheduled for Friday for surgery. It will probably all work out, but honestly, right now I'm exhausted and defeated and sad and angry. I am not seeing the silver lining. I am not looking on the bright side. I am not ready to "buck up". Right now I am miserable and so damn tired. This battle has about done me in, and I'm tired of fighting. I wanna just put down my weapons and find the nearest blanket fort to hide in. Stay tuned. I promise the amusing me will be back.

An Unwelcome Gust of Wind

I am scolding myself for putting up yet another complaint post. I mean, it can't be fun to keep coming back to check on me and see one more bitching post . . . and i am sorry. But then again, I reassure myself, this is MY blog and it is here for me to do just what I am doing . . . venting.

I compared myself today to a person walking on a tightrope. Thanks to skill, experience, and concentration, making it from one side to the other is highly possible. However, if an unexpected gust of wind comes along. . . known as any other kind of unexpected stressor, from work requirements to grouchy editors to troubled children to life complications . . . I can feel myself teetering and losing balance.

I have had a very sore left elbow for several days. Last night, it woke me up three times. Today, it is swollen and so very very sore. I am guessing either bursitis or gout, but suspect bursitis from the way it slowly crept up. Either way, the result is the same--it hurts. It hurts a LOT. It hurts to the touch. It hurts to bend my arm. It hurts to lift anything.It isn't an unbearable pain . . . sure, it often feels like someone is holding a lighter to my elbow, but compared to kidney stones, t'ain't nuthin.

But, when you add it to the daily leg, hip, back, ankle, foot pain . . . it just becomes too much. It is that slight gust of wind that makes my balance harder to maintain. It makes me cry. It makes me want to avoid work. It makes me angry. It turns me into a frustrated toddler, stamping her feet on the ground and yelling, BUT IT ISN'T FAIR.

The wind is not welcome right now. I have my emotional and psychological hands full with just coping and waiting for the doctor's call. Please . . . give the tightrope walker a break. Still those breezes and let it stay calm until I get all the way across to the other side. Then blow all the hell you want, because I will be out of the way and safe.

Enough.

I am a happy woman. I am lucky, loved, happy woman. But I am tired of having to remind myself of that because of pain.
The back, the hips, the legs. It's enough. But in the past two weeks, my left elbow hurts so much I can't extend my arm to pick up a glass of water and my right shoulder hurts too much to sleep on it, and I always sleep on my right side. Why do they hurt? What is wrong? Can't they go away long enough for me to deal with the back issues?
Tonight I sit here loving my husband, loving my kids, my life and hating the fact that I have to spend most of my energy coping. I'm tired of pain pills, I'm tired of heat packs, I'm tired of arm braces.
I'm tired.
Sorry, not even humor to lighten this one up. Bear with me. I promise I will get back to happy soon. Right now  . . I just hurt.
And I've had enough.