I've watched my husband go through it.
I've watched my mother go through it.
I've watched various friends go through it.
I've done all I could to help, or at least just let each person know I was there.
I guess now, it's my turn.
I am . . quite honestly . . depressed. I am struggling to get out of bed in the morning and maintain a decent attitude. I am frequently swept over by feelings of fear, sadness, hopelessness, and lethargy. Anyone who knows me knows this is NOT me. I thrive on stupid puns, raunchy jokes, inside references, and repeated laughter. This is just so NOT me, and I don't like it.
I'm eating healthy, and trying to get more rest. I am surrounded by wonderful, loving, supportive people who would, literally, do anything for me. My work is picking up, summer is coming, and all will be well. But I can't seem to see these things as clearly as I can see money problems, life changes, obstacles that feel, right now, insurmountable.
Watching someone you care about go through depression is awful.
Being that person is worse--I know that now.
I guess the key is . . don't stop in the middle of it. Do what everyone else does and GET THROUGH IT.
Right?
Friday, April 18, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
I Appear to have a broken . . . thermostat.
If I was a car, it would be a fairly simple fix. I appear to have broken thermostat and it's making my life somewhat difficult.
Two years ago, when I went through menopause, I had night sweats. They were unpleasant, for sure, but I made it through them, almost willing to put up with them for the bliss of never having another period.
Now, in the last few months, I am having hot flashes again--not just at night, but during the day. Even worse, they alternate with intense freezing spells. I am so cold, it's like I can't get warm. Today, I had four blankets, a husband, a dog, and two hot packs and I was still so cold, I didn't want to move. No, no fever. No anemia. Just so damn cold. Then, in less than a full second, I can be swept over by another hot flash. Grrrrrrrrr.
This does not for a good night's sleep make, believe me. On a good night, it happens to me twice. On a bad one, five or six.
So, if you're out and about and you happen along a new human thermostat, could you pick one up for me? I'd be really grateful.
Two years ago, when I went through menopause, I had night sweats. They were unpleasant, for sure, but I made it through them, almost willing to put up with them for the bliss of never having another period.
Now, in the last few months, I am having hot flashes again--not just at night, but during the day. Even worse, they alternate with intense freezing spells. I am so cold, it's like I can't get warm. Today, I had four blankets, a husband, a dog, and two hot packs and I was still so cold, I didn't want to move. No, no fever. No anemia. Just so damn cold. Then, in less than a full second, I can be swept over by another hot flash. Grrrrrrrrr.
This does not for a good night's sleep make, believe me. On a good night, it happens to me twice. On a bad one, five or six.
So, if you're out and about and you happen along a new human thermostat, could you pick one up for me? I'd be really grateful.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Typical!
This is such a typical type of exchange between Joseph and I, I had to include it.
Life has been really difficult lately--a great deal of stress from multiple sources. I was talking quietly to Joseph and this is how the conversation went . . .
Me: Life sure has been stressful lately, hasn't it?
Him: There have definitely been some pebbles on the road.
Me: Then I wish I had thought to put some shoes on, because this is painful.
Him: Grin.
Me: Just promise you will keep walking down the road with me, holding my hand, and I'll keep going.
Him: Just your hand?
Me: (rolling my eyes) Okay, on my butt.
Him: Much better. Won't notice the pebbles that way.
Can you tell why we've been married for more than 31 years? Typical.
Life has been really difficult lately--a great deal of stress from multiple sources. I was talking quietly to Joseph and this is how the conversation went . . .
Me: Life sure has been stressful lately, hasn't it?
Him: There have definitely been some pebbles on the road.
Me: Then I wish I had thought to put some shoes on, because this is painful.
Him: Grin.
Me: Just promise you will keep walking down the road with me, holding my hand, and I'll keep going.
Him: Just your hand?
Me: (rolling my eyes) Okay, on my butt.
Him: Much better. Won't notice the pebbles that way.
Can you tell why we've been married for more than 31 years? Typical.
Friday, April 4, 2014
One Action at a Time
Tonight I was reminded of how I personally attempt to make the world a better place.
I don't march in parades, or volunteer in political causes, or write letters to the editor, although I applaud those who do and respect their passion.
I simply try very hard to role model my values and morals (secular though they may be) to my children, and in doing so, teach them at the core that they have the power to make a difference.
Tonight, we were in one of our favorite thrift stores. We know a number of the employees, one of which always greets us with a big smile, calling us "The Happy Family". Tonight when we said hello, it was abundantly clear that something was amiss. She had a "social" smile on. We stopped and asked her if she really was okay, and the tears began to flow. She wasn't. She was undergoing serious medical testing and so far the results were discouraging.
I offered--and gave--a hug. I asked her if she had a support system in place to help her ,and she said that so far, she hasn't shared the information with her mother or her husband. That is such a terrible burden to carry alone. I gave her my name and phone number and told her that if she needed someone to meet for coffee, call and vent to, or hold her hand at the doctor's office to call me. Will she? I don't know, but how could I not offer?
On the way home, I was talking about this, because Caspian was there to see what happened. I told him, this is how I hope to change the world, with kindness. And if you see it, you will do it too. And if you do, your children will and your children's children. And if enough of us do that, if we model kindness and compassion, if we reach out to those who are in need, it will ripple outwards.
We can't cure the world. There will always be illness, violence, cruelty, and anger. But, I hope, that by raising children who have seen the opposite modeled. my great-great-great granchildren will live in a happier, more peaceful world.
One action at a time.
I don't march in parades, or volunteer in political causes, or write letters to the editor, although I applaud those who do and respect their passion.
I simply try very hard to role model my values and morals (secular though they may be) to my children, and in doing so, teach them at the core that they have the power to make a difference.
Tonight, we were in one of our favorite thrift stores. We know a number of the employees, one of which always greets us with a big smile, calling us "The Happy Family". Tonight when we said hello, it was abundantly clear that something was amiss. She had a "social" smile on. We stopped and asked her if she really was okay, and the tears began to flow. She wasn't. She was undergoing serious medical testing and so far the results were discouraging.
I offered--and gave--a hug. I asked her if she had a support system in place to help her ,and she said that so far, she hasn't shared the information with her mother or her husband. That is such a terrible burden to carry alone. I gave her my name and phone number and told her that if she needed someone to meet for coffee, call and vent to, or hold her hand at the doctor's office to call me. Will she? I don't know, but how could I not offer?
On the way home, I was talking about this, because Caspian was there to see what happened. I told him, this is how I hope to change the world, with kindness. And if you see it, you will do it too. And if you do, your children will and your children's children. And if enough of us do that, if we model kindness and compassion, if we reach out to those who are in need, it will ripple outwards.
We can't cure the world. There will always be illness, violence, cruelty, and anger. But, I hope, that by raising children who have seen the opposite modeled. my great-great-great granchildren will live in a happier, more peaceful world.
One action at a time.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Venting
Nothing important here.
Train wreck.
Just keep going, nuthin' to see here, folks.
Tami. Is.In. A. Mood.
Why?
How kind of you to ask. Just what I had hoped you'd say.
1. Had a social gathering yesterday and had this idea in my head what it would be like. What would happen. How it would go. Well . . . let's just say, it didn't go anything like that. At all. It was a stretch for me to organize this, so I most likely set myself up for disappointment.
2. Had a very intense phone interview this morning for what could be a mighty fine, high level writing job. Wanted to sound my best . . . not sure if I did . . . will find out next week if I made it to the "next level of the interview process." Eeek.
3. Had an hour long work review call with a team of colleagues--great people really. Nice, polite, good sense of humor. But, it's still hard when they are pulling apart your words and telling you to redo them, even if they say it very, very nicely.
4. Have to get taxes together for Saturday. I hate taxes more than I hate people who spit. That should tell you how much I hate taxes.
5. I have been given three hours to complete an assignment, i.e. I can BILL for three hours, but that's it, so if it takes longer, so be it. I got the assignment LAST NIGHT. When is it due? TOMORROW.
6. I'm not sleeping well--awakened at least 4 times a night with hot flashes, followed by freezing. I'm like spring weather, always in temperature flux.
7. In a period of 24 hours, I have had to write about erosion and weathering, computer tech courses, poetry, literature, and educational reform. My head hurts from trying to keep it all in there, switching topics and grade levels at the blink of an eye.
8. Meeting someone again today to help with their book . . . I don't mind helping others create their novels, I don't, but when I'm stressed and tired and feel pulled in 16 directions, it is harder to be altruistic and share my time. Does that make me sound like a bitch? I don't mean to. I care about these people and really, if I can help them write their books, I'm glad. But sometimes giving up my time and expertise and suggestions and guidance isn't easy. I don't feel generous. I wanna be selfish. I wanna sit on the couch and read, and take a nap, and watch dumb stuff on TV. Why doesn't anyone PAY me to do those things, she says with a whine. :)
So there you go. Nothing major. Kids good. Really good. Husband good. Weather improving. Health pretty good--diabetes and blood pressure completely under control. Really . . . no room to complain, yet . . . I seem to have found some.
Venting. It's good for the soul.
Train wreck.
Just keep going, nuthin' to see here, folks.
Tami. Is.In. A. Mood.
Why?
How kind of you to ask. Just what I had hoped you'd say.
1. Had a social gathering yesterday and had this idea in my head what it would be like. What would happen. How it would go. Well . . . let's just say, it didn't go anything like that. At all. It was a stretch for me to organize this, so I most likely set myself up for disappointment.
2. Had a very intense phone interview this morning for what could be a mighty fine, high level writing job. Wanted to sound my best . . . not sure if I did . . . will find out next week if I made it to the "next level of the interview process." Eeek.
3. Had an hour long work review call with a team of colleagues--great people really. Nice, polite, good sense of humor. But, it's still hard when they are pulling apart your words and telling you to redo them, even if they say it very, very nicely.
4. Have to get taxes together for Saturday. I hate taxes more than I hate people who spit. That should tell you how much I hate taxes.
5. I have been given three hours to complete an assignment, i.e. I can BILL for three hours, but that's it, so if it takes longer, so be it. I got the assignment LAST NIGHT. When is it due? TOMORROW.
6. I'm not sleeping well--awakened at least 4 times a night with hot flashes, followed by freezing. I'm like spring weather, always in temperature flux.
7. In a period of 24 hours, I have had to write about erosion and weathering, computer tech courses, poetry, literature, and educational reform. My head hurts from trying to keep it all in there, switching topics and grade levels at the blink of an eye.
8. Meeting someone again today to help with their book . . . I don't mind helping others create their novels, I don't, but when I'm stressed and tired and feel pulled in 16 directions, it is harder to be altruistic and share my time. Does that make me sound like a bitch? I don't mean to. I care about these people and really, if I can help them write their books, I'm glad. But sometimes giving up my time and expertise and suggestions and guidance isn't easy. I don't feel generous. I wanna be selfish. I wanna sit on the couch and read, and take a nap, and watch dumb stuff on TV. Why doesn't anyone PAY me to do those things, she says with a whine. :)
So there you go. Nothing major. Kids good. Really good. Husband good. Weather improving. Health pretty good--diabetes and blood pressure completely under control. Really . . . no room to complain, yet . . . I seem to have found some.
Venting. It's good for the soul.
Monday, March 31, 2014
A Day in the Life of a Freelancer
In the past, I have likened a day in my writing life as a pinball in a machine played by a meth-driven Type A Personality. (Over the top a bit? Nah!) Today has been like that, only add some steroids and desperation into the player's personality, and it will be more accurate.
Walk with me, if you will, through my day . . .
I was offered a job with a new company. To first get approved by this company, I had to spend two plus hours writing high level, complex sample items. (Apparently a resume highlighting 350 plus books and 25 years in the educational assessment field just isn't enough proof of skill and experience.) I did them, submitted them, and lo and behold, they accepted me. Prepared to send me a contract. Oh . . .by the way, guess how much they pay per question? .87. Miss that decimal point perhaps? That is EIGHTY SEVEN CENTS per question. My usual rate for this type of question? $10 to $20 each. Yes, that is DOLLARS. So, although I admit math is not my strongest suit, 87 cents seemed just a little LOW. Ha. So no thanks on that one. Would have been nice to know the rates BEFORE the samples, but do companies work that way? Nope.
Next, I was asked to write a few extra chapters for a book about Nascar. Decent rate, quick turn around time, good company. Yes to that one.
Next, I was asked if I could be profiled on a publisher's page as Author of the Month. Public praise? Heck yes. Submitted a couple of pics, a bio, and some links. Easy peasy.
Next, I was offered a couple of college courses to write on either composition or communication. Happy either way. Like the topics, like the work, like the boss. Good to go.
(YES ALL OF THIS HAPPENED TODAY.)
Next, I was told work I did in February was still in the "review" stage, so payment had not been processed and wouldn't likely arrive until . . May. Sigh.
Next, I will be researching material about science for a 4th grade lesson on earth systems. I know nothing now, but will soon. That will be followed up by reading about Mesopotamia for a first grade, yes, first grade, book on the culture.
Oh yes, I have to stop and write six grade 7 items for a company, due in the morning. Then, over to grade 8 items for someone else, due Wednesday.
This is all today. On Friday, I was offered several other jobs, for which I have to apply, submit, wait, and then determine if the rate, turnaround time, and details are decent.
Wonder why I stammer when people say, So, what do you write, Tami?
Walk with me, if you will, through my day . . .
I was offered a job with a new company. To first get approved by this company, I had to spend two plus hours writing high level, complex sample items. (Apparently a resume highlighting 350 plus books and 25 years in the educational assessment field just isn't enough proof of skill and experience.) I did them, submitted them, and lo and behold, they accepted me. Prepared to send me a contract. Oh . . .by the way, guess how much they pay per question? .87. Miss that decimal point perhaps? That is EIGHTY SEVEN CENTS per question. My usual rate for this type of question? $10 to $20 each. Yes, that is DOLLARS. So, although I admit math is not my strongest suit, 87 cents seemed just a little LOW. Ha. So no thanks on that one. Would have been nice to know the rates BEFORE the samples, but do companies work that way? Nope.
Next, I was asked to write a few extra chapters for a book about Nascar. Decent rate, quick turn around time, good company. Yes to that one.
Next, I was asked if I could be profiled on a publisher's page as Author of the Month. Public praise? Heck yes. Submitted a couple of pics, a bio, and some links. Easy peasy.
Next, I was offered a couple of college courses to write on either composition or communication. Happy either way. Like the topics, like the work, like the boss. Good to go.
(YES ALL OF THIS HAPPENED TODAY.)
Next, I was told work I did in February was still in the "review" stage, so payment had not been processed and wouldn't likely arrive until . . May. Sigh.
Next, I will be researching material about science for a 4th grade lesson on earth systems. I know nothing now, but will soon. That will be followed up by reading about Mesopotamia for a first grade, yes, first grade, book on the culture.
Oh yes, I have to stop and write six grade 7 items for a company, due in the morning. Then, over to grade 8 items for someone else, due Wednesday.
This is all today. On Friday, I was offered several other jobs, for which I have to apply, submit, wait, and then determine if the rate, turnaround time, and details are decent.
Wonder why I stammer when people say, So, what do you write, Tami?
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A Family Effort
Sorry I've been gone. Lots of excuses, but why list them? Just go with busy life!
Yesterday something happened that inspired me enough to take a minute. Nicole has been single for quite a while and she has reached an age where she feels it. She is lonely--and she wants to be in love. She wants to be looking into the future with someone. So far, that someone has been more than elusive. She has been on eHarmony and Okay Cupid, and has gone on some dates with nice guys, and boring guys, and odd guys. None of them even close to the right guy.
The other day we were sitting in our favorite coffee shop and there was a very attractive young man sitting there with his laptop. She smiled. He smiled back. I knew there was no way some guy was going to strike up a conversation with a pretty girl sitting with her parents, so Joseph and I left and went elsewhere to open the opportunity. Lo and behold, after a little maneuvering and manipulating on Nicole's sneaky part, a conversation ensued. They exchanged contact info and she left smiling.
Fast forward to the next day. Nicole is off work and feeling sad that it is Valentine's Day and she is single. Her brother Coryn arranged his day to spend the afternoon with her, getting frozen yogurt, taking pictures, and having fun. He's a peach. (Nicole has a "date" with her other brother on Monday to do the same. These boys love their sister.)In the middle of the fun, the new guy texts Nicole. They chat a bit and he ends up asking her out that night to meet up with he and his friends at a restaurant. She calls me excited but in a panic. She is out with Coryn! She doesn't want to end their time together (he is on the other line calling me to tell me to make her go!), and she isn't dressed for a date, and how would she get there and back since we had the car . . . . . This is what happened from there.
Yesterday something happened that inspired me enough to take a minute. Nicole has been single for quite a while and she has reached an age where she feels it. She is lonely--and she wants to be in love. She wants to be looking into the future with someone. So far, that someone has been more than elusive. She has been on eHarmony and Okay Cupid, and has gone on some dates with nice guys, and boring guys, and odd guys. None of them even close to the right guy.
The other day we were sitting in our favorite coffee shop and there was a very attractive young man sitting there with his laptop. She smiled. He smiled back. I knew there was no way some guy was going to strike up a conversation with a pretty girl sitting with her parents, so Joseph and I left and went elsewhere to open the opportunity. Lo and behold, after a little maneuvering and manipulating on Nicole's sneaky part, a conversation ensued. They exchanged contact info and she left smiling.
Fast forward to the next day. Nicole is off work and feeling sad that it is Valentine's Day and she is single. Her brother Coryn arranged his day to spend the afternoon with her, getting frozen yogurt, taking pictures, and having fun. He's a peach. (Nicole has a "date" with her other brother on Monday to do the same. These boys love their sister.)In the middle of the fun, the new guy texts Nicole. They chat a bit and he ends up asking her out that night to meet up with he and his friends at a restaurant. She calls me excited but in a panic. She is out with Coryn! She doesn't want to end their time together (he is on the other line calling me to tell me to make her go!), and she isn't dressed for a date, and how would she get there and back since we had the car . . . . . This is what happened from there.
- Coryn and the rest of us convinced her to not let this opportunity pass her by.
- Joseph and I ended our somewhat romantic Valentine's dinner alone and met the kids downtown. Nicole and I rush shopped for a dress for her to wear. Found one.
- Uh oh. What about shoes? She was still wearing her work shoes since she had come from work. I gave her mine since we wear the same size. This meant I couldn't get out anywhere once we dropped her because I can't wear her work shoes. Ouch.
- We drove across town and dropped her in front of the restaurant. Then we went to a store a few minutes away to wait for her signal of GO, I'm having fun and will Max home or COME and get me, this isn't going well.
In 15 minutes, the phone rang. Come and get me. Why?
Hmmm . . . let's see . . . the guy broke up with his long term girlfriend THREE DAYS ago and "still isn't over it, and may never be." He has NO job and NO place to live and stressed four times he has NO MONEY. He said he wasn't eating because he forgot to bring his anti anxiety meds. He virtually never spoke to Nicole. Didn't stand up when she came in, didn't even wave when she left.
NOT much potential there, wouldn't you agree?
And, knowing she was bummed, we took her to a couple of fun places on the way home and made her laugh a lot.
And when she went to bed that night smiling, I thought two things. First, I was so sorry that another guy turned out to be a mistake, especially considering how much time and effort was put into the date on her part. Second, I was amazingly aware of how loving and tight this family is. No one gave a moment's thought to doing whatever we could to get Nicole to her date and away from it! Her brother, Joseph and I all dropped what we had planned to support her. We did with love and joy and even though it didn't work out, the bottom line was she IS loved. And the right guy is out there and she is one step and one doofus closer to finding him. In the meantime, she is surrounded by people who will not hesitate to help her find that smile at the end of the day.
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