Too Fast, Too Much, Too Loud

Life is flowing past me a little faster than I would prefer. Ha, hence taking this long to post again! I can't seem to hold onto time the way I want to these days. It just slips by, and I feel like I am running after it like a pet owner who has dropped the leash and is scrambling to get it, but the dog is hell bent on running for eternity. Yes, you're welcome for the incredibly odd metaphor.

August just . . . flew. We had a houseguest--Joseph's youngest brother rode his motorcycle here from Indiana, as he did last year, and spent 5 days visiting. I think he had a good time--at least he had a more comfortable bed this year, and he got to spend time with each of the kids since all were home.

In early September, we went camping at a local campground. How in the world you can go from being in the busy city to the deep woods in under 30 minutes, I just can't understand. I felt like we drove through a portal of some kind while I was blinking. Suddenly we were surrounded by 80 foot tall pine trees and moss and ferns--and the sounds of birds, and wind--it was wonderful. We are pretty experienced at setting up camp, so within an hour the five of us had three tents, two tables, six chairs, and a kitchen all set up. We spent the time reading, napping, talking, laughing, and relaxing. No work. No phones. No computers. Just nature. At one point--a little too much nature as a deer came wandering into our site, stood three feet away from me and munched on some of our trash. I chatted with him a bit before he wandered off. A few hours later, he returned with a couple of friends and they tried to take ALL of our groceries--Nicole stopped them.

Now fall is already sneaking in on chilly breezes and dropping leaves, and I am not ready, never ready. I love summer and it is hard to see it go. October means Nicole is leaving again as well--she is returning to Australia to live with the friends she met there last time. She has her work visa and places to stay, and this time, I suspect it will be six months or more before she returns. Coryn is planning to "join" her in January when he flies to New Zealand. Suddenly the house sure will feel emptier. I suspect a great deal of time will be spent on Skype.

This morning, along with wishing I could make time SLOW DOWN DAMN IT, I also wish I could turn my hearing off. You know--you climb into bed and close your eyes so vision stops. Why can't we do the same thing with hearing? Just close our ears? We have a snoring dog that has ruined many a night for me . . . I usually foist her off onto one of the kids, but since all three are working full time at the airport and have to be up at a ridiculous 4:30 A.M. to get there, I just can't do it. I've tried putting the pillow over my head, playing music, and yes, even kicking the dog. All to no avail. The couch was bed for me all night last night. Good thing it is a fairly comfy couch!

Work was slow and intermittent and then WHAM! I have been deluged with ongoing assignments that--thankfully--give me job security for the last 2-3 months--a rarity in the freelancing world. I won't be sitting around twiddling my thumbs any time soon . . . . No, I will be the one chasing after that leash and hoping when I catch it, the dog doesn't start snoring.

Using that Happiness Formula

Today I am making sure I follow my happiness formula carefully. It is Saturday morning and Nicole has the day off from work--a miracle. She ALWAYS works on Saturdays. I worked really hard all week so that I had today off too. 

So, I got up, scanned the CNN headlines, watched six videos of returning soldiers, and cute babies laughing, and funny kids, and silly commercials--laughter and happy tears--CHECK. Next, I will hit the shower, then get dressed and fill my day with getting coffee, getting a snack at the local Saturday market, going to a favorite coffee shop and writing letters for HOURS while I talk endlessly with Nicole (she has some BIG decisions to make in the coming weeks, so I am sure our conversations will veer into the profound here and there), and then coming home, sitting at the kitchen table and CRAFTING with her until dinner . . . then watching a movie on the couch snuggled next to my handsome life partner, and finally, reading before bed. I have no doubt I will go to bed with a huge smile on my face, having had darn near the perfect day. 

Happiness? Check. 

A Happiness Formula

I was fortunate enough to spend a couple of hours with a good friend of mine this morning (and you know who you are), and our main topic of discussion was happiness--finding it, and maintaining it. It was a great conversation and I hope she walked away from it feeling as rewarded as I did. She always asks me some pretty profound questions, and today she asked, "How do you manage to stay happy in a world so full of conflict and misery and chaos?" (along those lines!) What a question! It inspired more talking, and then, after leaving, even more thinking on my part. Here is what I have come up with so far. . . .
1. I surround myself with people I love. If I don't love--or at least really like them, unless I have to somehow work with them--I keep my distance.  For those I love, I touch, hug, and kiss often. Repeat.
2. I surround myself with positive affirmations . . they are all over my walls in every single room. Happy sayings, sayings about family, love, friends, gratitude, happiness, kindness . . . every. single. room. In the living room alone, I have 20 or more. Too much? Probably, but I believe it works.
3. I focus on doing what I love as much as possible. Do I have to do things I do NOT love? Sadly, yes. That makes me human. But if I do, I give myself rewards in between. Finish this project and you can decorate some envelopes. Write this assignment and you get to go get coffee with Joseph. And so on.
4. I don't watch the news. Yeah, I know. Ostrich Tami . . but really, I do keep up with headlines, but I can NOT watch local or national news about murder and starvation and kids dying and stupid people . . if I did, I couldn't get up in the morning. And most of all, WATCHING it will not make a difference.
5. I focus on making my home happy and full of love. My kids are loved and listened to and supported. I know that by raising wonderful children, they will go out and make their own differences in the world.
6. I choose ways to make a difference, even though it may be small. I write letters of comfort to those in need. Send gifts. Get involved in organizations like ChemoAngel. I help anyone I see that I can--with carrying something, finding something, paying for something. If there is an opportunity and I able to do it, I will.
7. I focus on laughter. I laugh with my kids EVERY DAY. I tell jokes. I laugh in the dark with Joseph. I watch funny TV shows. I read funny books. I skip past the negative Facebook videos and watch the stupid ones that make me smile. Or the returning-soldier-to-family videos that make me cry happy tears.
8. I search hard for that silver lining. It may be buried, but if it is there, I swear I will find it.
9. I count my blessings. I try to always remember how fortunate I am. There is always someone out there who has it worse, and I need to focus on gratitude.
10. I remember the saying "To become, act as if." If I want to be happy, I will act as if I am . . and suddenly, life improves.

So, does this mean I am always happy? No, life gets in the way now and then (like sending me kidney stones or gout). And money and &*!)($)(%&*@ taxes become problems. Or the kids are struggling and I am worrying. Or I miss people I love and can no longer see for one reason or another. Or someone is rude or ugly to me. Or . . . whatever. But in the end, when the day is over and I crawl into bed next to a man I adore and who thinks I am beautiful, all I can feel is gratitude. Oh yeah, and that happiness I mentioned. Lots and lots of that.

Stones Gone, Pain . . Not so Much

Hey gang. Another quick note. I had emergency surgery this morning. Three, yes THREE ,stones were stuck in the ureter, plus a huge one still in the kidney. Thanks to lasers and sound waves, they are all gone now. I am grateful for that, but right now I am still in so much pain (the after effects and the stent) that I am utterly exhausted. All I want to do is sleep, interrupted my multiple trips to pee, which end up making me cry. and nausea waves. Enough complaining. Better days coming soon.

I Thought "Stoned" Would be More Fun than This

Only going to write a short note, friends. These are rough days. I've been in pain for six days now, a LONG six days. Kidney stone pain, coupled with other various and sundry related issues that make resting, working, and just living pretty difficult. I can't eat and I pace a lot . . . went to the doctor yesterday and had blood work and an ultrasound, so now I am just waiting to get results and figure out what to do next. In the meantime, I pace, and take pain pills, and cry a little here and there, and try to think about how I must be losing weight if I walk and don't eat . . . because there's a silver lining somewhere, right?

Send hugs, thoughts, prayers, whatever you prefer. I'll take it.

Running . . . and Stumbling

All around my house, you will find positive affirmation signs, stickers, labels, and plaques. I truly feel that surrounding myself with these uplifting thoughts subconsciously helps me, as well as the rest of my family. You can't spend 5 minutes in our living room without knowing we are (1) a happy family, (2) readers, (3) extremely messy, (4) not terribly concerned about dusting and vacuuming, and (5) incorporating a home office into the main room of the house. 

Today . . . I am struggling. Things are good--we are adapting to work schedules. We have our annual trip to the desert next week. I FINALLY have my new glasses that I've waited to order for nine months. And wow, what I was missing . . . .

But there's a new member of the family. His name is Pippin. He is blue, and had four wheels, brakes, and a seat. No, not a bike . . . it's a walker. My back and legs have gotten so painful, that I take Pippin with me on some trips because I'm afraid I will fall otherwise. I take way too many painkillers. I don't understand why. I've lost 50 lbs, been on this diet for a year, my blood sugar and blood pressure are wonderful . . .but something is wrong somewhere. I went to a doctor for it four years ago when it wasn't nearly this awful. She ordered an MRI. It said slight disc issues . . . and that was it. Her advice? (She didn't do any exam or even look to see where I had pointed) . . lose some weight. Yeah, that has helped me so much so far. (And yes, I hope to pursue further testing, but waiting for all that new insurance stuff we HAD to sign up for to come through first.)

Sigh. So I have Pippin, named by my kids who knew I found it demoralizing, and wanted it to be fun. I'm already being teased about it and, because these people love me so much, reminded that I can still kick butt even if I have a walker in front of me. 

And work . . wow, work. It is coming in so fast, I am flying through each day working as fast as humanly possible. Some projects have proven much harder and more intense than I had prepared for, and then everything else on the list suffers as I attempt to move deadlines around and cope with extra demands. 

So, I am running . . . to keep up, while stumbling to stay upright. 

Focus on the signs on the wall, Tami. Keep smiling. 

The Toll of Adaptation

I've already written about how the adaptation process is taking a toll on me, but it isn't restricted to me. I am seeing the effects of it ripple through the family.
Joseph is struggling. The job is probably too much for him at age 62. His back and neck hurt all the time, and he is always, always so tired. He doesn't complain much--stoic guy--but I can see it. It makes me so sad.
Coryn hates his  new job and is dealing with the self-esteem blows that can come with having to learn a lot fast and not feeling smart enough, and having co-workers that aren't remotely helpful.
Caspian is intimidated about his upcoming  job training and angsting over remembering it all.
Nicole is putting in 40 plus hours a week and missing time at home so much.
I am spending more and more time home alone, something I certainly don't enjoy.
I am wondering if this is really what any of us should be doing . . . and trying to make logical, reasonable decisions that aren't based on fleeting moments of indecision, fatigue, and confusion. I am torn between wanting everything to go back to how it was and wondering if, in the end, these hard life lessons really are for the best for everyone involved.
Mostly I am tired and sad these days. Too sad. Too many tears. Too much time wishing I could take a nap. Too much toll paying and wondering when--or if--the rewards will follow.
Can I stop being a grown up now? I'd love to take a break.
I'm out of change. No more tolls, ok?