I am usually a very upbeat person. I see the best in people. I think I have a blessed life. I love where I live.
But right now, none of that matters because I am struggling like hell not to spend my days curled up in bed with the blankets over my head and all of the lights off. I am seriously depressed . . . and not sure what to do about it. I know there are a lot of factors behind it. We are dead broke at the worst possible time of the year. Multiple checks due in have simply not arrived and we've exhausted what we had put aside for times like this. I hate, hate, hate being broke. It brings back some really horrible memories that I would prefer not to ever face again.
On top of that, work has never proven to be so exasperating. It seems like for every project I do that an editor loves, there are two editors emailing or calling to castigate me for doing something wrong. I got up this morning and realized that my hands were shaking because I was afraid to check my email. How whacked is that? When this happens, it completely undermines my confidence in my abilities. I start into this horrid spiral about how I'm screwing things up and soon, I won't get hired and then we'll be homeless . . . yadda, yadda, yadda. I simply feel like the world is sitting on my shoulders and the weight is getting to be more than I can handle.
Add to that, it's the holidays. My parents are gone. The sun has disappeared. And did I mention we were broke? :)
So, yea, cheery, upbeat, optomistic Tami is not a happy camper. I don't want to inflict it on my family and would much rather hole up in a room and let them go on their merry way until I am fit for the public again. I'm lucky that they love me too much to let me do that . . . so I put on the fake face and do my best, but these are gray days, my friends. Gray days.