Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Ambivalence, Your Name is Mother

How is it possible, in even the most complex human brain and heart, to feel incredible excitement and happiness for something while also feeling like it might rip your heart out in the process?

I know that you guys know how close my daughter Nicole and I are. Next to my husband, she is the dearest friend I have. We get the same jokes. We communicate without saying a word. She is an amazingly wonderful person inside and out. For months now, we have focused on finding her a way to travel and see the world. We've gotten books, surfed the net, made phone calls and she has applied to dozens of jobs.

Last night one of them called her and said they wanted to interview her for a potential new job.
In Wasilla.
That would be Wasilla, ALASKA.
She had the first of two interviews today and did great.
They want her in seven to 10 DAYS.
Months? Fine.
Weeks? I can deal.
DAYS????? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
I'm simply not ready. It was fine when it was all dreaming and theory and some days, but now it has merged into a possible reality and I find myself vacillating between helping her looks things up and planning what she would pack and where she would live and how much she would earn with the stark and terrifying thought that she will be GONE. Not just for the afternoon, the day, the week or even the month. Just GONE. Far away.
And I will write her amazing letters and send her even better care packages. And we will text and IM and call.
And when I push past the stark pain of trying to imagine her not here, I am so excited for her, I can hardly stand it. To be 20 years old and standing at the edge of exploring the world before things like careers, marriage and children stand in the way, how could I not be excited?
But now? Next week? Really?
Anyone who thinks motherhood is easy has never had kids.

1 comment:

Delaine said...

Tami, wow congrats to Nicole but how hard for you. A loss for you and a gain for her. OMGosh Alaska how incredibly cool. I will be thinking of you during this exciting and sad time too