Monday, September 3, 2012

Nature's Torture Device

I always thought I would be one of those people who could stand up to torture fairly well. You know how you watch movies and think, how long could I stand that without revealing top secret information like my weight, how often I've cried at those stupid phone commercials, or how many times I have watched the YouTube video of laughing babies. A kidney stone a while back taught me humility in dealing with pain. It still ranks as the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

However, a close second is that most evil of ailments . . . . the one that sneaks up on you when you're sleeping peacefully, dreaming of old friends and new adventures . . . the one that attacks without any warning and immediately reduces you to a sniveling, whimpering, cursing victim. You know this attacker. It is Mr. Charlie Horse.

I used to get these fairly often and they made mornings miserable. I haven't had one in ages and apparently, I needed to make up for that. I was hit with one this morning and ohmigawd, it was hideous. Like liquid fire from ankle to hip. To complicate matters, I was sleeping out on the deck, so I was IN a sleeping bag on a low air mattress. Getting out of these on most mornings takes Olympics style leaps and twists, and with a Charlie Horse taking an entire leg out of commission, well . . . . I am not sure what one would call these contortions, but I am sure that "graceful" would not be considered.

I cursed . . loudly. Moaned. Cried a little. Rolled out of the bed and just whimpered, trying to put weight on my leg. Finally, it let go and I could breathe again. Now, less than two feet away from all this action Caspian and Nicole were sleeping on their own air mattresses. Did they notice my agony? Did they even stir? NO. Nothing. Not a twitch.

They can sleep through THAT, but let Joseph reach out and give me a grope, and one of them will mutter, "Get a room." We have a room--it's the deck and you're on it.

Anyway, now I am limping and every time I start to stretch my leg, I wince.  Fortunately, no terrorists were out on the deck with me at the time, so I didn't reveal any national secrets. Chances are, if the terrorists had been there, they would have slept through it anyway.


Ami said...

You have national secrets?

Anonymous said...

I feel you on the kidney stones I had three of them about 5 yrs ago now I thought I was gonna die, even though I've never had kids kidney stones should be right up there with being one of the most painful things a woman can go through