Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Hard Days

Why is life harder some days than others? I have tried analyzing it, and am coming up pretty blank.  I often find myself in that trap of "if only I was _________" (fill in the blank--richer, younger, thinner, etc.), "I would be happy." I know that is not true. I have had none of those things and been happy; I've had all of those things and NOT been happy, and everything in between.

I know, on a conscious level, that everything is good for me right now. I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids. I have a great job. I love where I live. We are fine money wise. And yet, for the past week, each day I go through periods of such sadness and frustration that I get MAD at myself for being sad and frustrated. Ha, how intelligent is that?

I find myself missing people a great deal right now. I miss my parents so very, very much. I feel like I can relate to them more than ever, yet I can't pick up the phone and discuss it. I miss being someone's daughter.

I have one daughter I hold in my heart even though I've not had contact with her in a long time. I dream of her often and we are always friends again in those dreams. I wake with tears, missing her deeply.  I have one daughter who is on the other side of the planet and is truly my best friend, and having her happy in the Land Down Under is wonderful, but oh how I miss her. Christmas without her is just . . . incomprehensible.  I have two wonderful sons who are handsome and funny and smart and doing so well. Caspian leaves in two weeks for his internship, so I am already missing him. Coryn is itching to travel and is putting plans in place for the spring. They are happy, healthy and thriving. But the house keeps getting quieter and emptier.

I have a doctor's appointment in a few days that I both anticipate and dread. I suspect I will never get through it without crying. I fear that, even though she is such a patient woman, she will stop listening when I am only half way through trying to explain what is going on. I fear that she will insist on a scad of expensive medical tests that will just deepen our debt load, and reveal little to nothing. And while nothing sounds good, when you are in pain every single day and rarely going anywhere without a walker or a cane, you want them to find SOMETHING. Please!

I will get out of this funk. I will have a wonderful Christmas. I will meet these endless deadlines. I will smile and laugh and be happy. But it isn't going to be easy. Why can't we burn calories by concentrating, pushing through, and accomplishing? At least that would be a nice bonus.

Yeah, hard days.

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