How awful am I to post a pity party on Christmas Eve? Sheeeeeeesh. Please, don't read it now. Wait until the presents and parties and time off and fun is over. It's just me whining, cuz I need a place to whine.
I know it sounds like an old person's disease and is easy to dismiss with stuff like bursitis and arthritis. But . . . I am utterly humbled by this pain. It is as intense as kidney stones, but does not send me pacing or throwing up. Instead it keeps me up all night long, despite two of the strongest pain pills I have, in too much pain to read or watch tv or write letters because I simply cannot get past the pain enough to focus. It is like having multiple bones in my foot and ankle broken, and then set on fire. I have no motion in the toes at all and limited in the ankle so I have to walk "funny".
Today, I have ONE MORE assignment to get done and turned in before my days off begin. It will take all I have to push through, but the reward will be worth it. I've been using two canes and this morning, once Joseph is up, I will have him bring in my walker (remember Pippin?) and that might help me get around the house a bit better.
I truly have cried more in the last 24 hours than in last six months. I cried from pain countless times. I cried because decorating the tree, despite the loving efforts of my men, is just not the same without Nicole. Every time I picked up one of her ornaments, I cried again. When the boys still decorated themselves in garland, a family tradition since they were tiny, they did it for me, and I cried more. Shoot, I am crying as I write this. I guess my tear ducts are in good shape, eh?
Certainly people out there have it a million times worse. They are in tears because they miss people who are truly gone, not just on the other side of the globe. They are in tears because they have a terminal illness that there is no recovery from, and I have something that will be gone in 3-4 days (otherwise amputation is my chosen method for a cure). I am home, safe, loved, and about to share a wonderful couple of days off with my wonderful sons and a husband I adore.
I. am. lucky.
But DAMN, gout hurts.