Happy Mama's Day

I wanna call my mom today and wish her a Happy Mama's Day. I want to feel that pang that I am not there on this special day to give her a hug in person, but 2000 miles away. Last year, I was able to hug her. She was at my house on Mother's Day and I loved being able to share the day. I wish, somehow, I had known it was our last together. I don't know what I would have done differently but I think, if nothing else, I would have held on to her that much tighter and longer.

I am feeling so incredibly blessed today. I have three children at home who have presents hidden for me and are only waiting for the right time to give them to me. I have one child who I love just as much who most likely will not call, as she did not on my birthday or anyone else's birthday, but I am hoping that I am somewhere in the back of her mind anyway. (I believe that she loves me but I don't know that she believes she does.) My hubby has "something" planned for me for later today as well and whatever it is, it has made him chuckle about it all week. For once, I haven't a clue what it is and that is fun.

The sun is shining. People love me. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful, unique, amazing children, a terrific job and I am feeling good about myself. I couldn't ask for anything else--except the chance to call my mom and make the day complete.

Happy Mama's Day to all out there who have children, had children, want children, work with children and one day will have children. Motherhood is a gift that changes your life, your perspectives and your soul. I am so grateful that it was given to me 23, 17, 15 and 12 years ago.

OH Pleasssssssse

Sigh.
Yet another story graces the media today of a woman celebrating her upcoming Mother's Day. She is pregnant.
Again.
For her 18th child.
Yes, her 18th child.
Natural. No adoptions or foster children.
EIGHTEEN.
And OF COURSE, she is a homeschooler.
Sigh.
I don't get it. I mean, I know that I happen to be an atheist, BUT even if I believed in God, I don't think he would have ever meant to have couples just keep having children until they quit being fertile, or he'd have made our fertility period about 10 years long. If God provides, then I believe he must have provided people with birth control and good sense. Perhaps, long, long, long ago having that many children was an okay idea. Today, it's just . . . .not. Our world is so crowded and already has so many issues. I mean, I have four kids--double the "recommended" amount. And I must say, I still cannot pass a baby without having pangs for having another one in arms. But come on!
Further, it makes homeschoolers look like religious people without any common sense. Sure, there are some but there are lots of religious people with common sense, secular people without common sense and even, hey, secular people WITH common sense. (Dat's me!)
18 kids.
I cannot imagine the carpooling, the allowances, the discipline, the never ending "Mom, I need . . . " Four is enough to keep me on my toes--and always in the car.
Sigh.

Catching Up

My apologies for being gone for so long. It certainly isn't because I'm overworked. I have the lightest work load right now that I have had in more than a year. It's such an ambivalent thing for me. On the one hand, I get to do all the things I usually miss. I hang with the kids, go to bookstores, read, catch up on letter writing, do some organizing, go out with Joseph for coffee and generally play hooky. It's delightful and delicious. However, it's also scary because it means in a couple of months, money will start to run out. It always picks up. It has for the last 7 years and will do so again but it makes me nervous. I've been emailing editors and saying, hey there, I'm free--take advantage of it.

Other news . . . we went to Sacramento, CA last weekend. We drove 600 imles there and back to visit the NCCC campus for Nicole. The good news? We saw beautiful scenery, had fun in the hotels, and got away from work and other demands for a few days. The bad? Gas is over $4 a gallon throughout CA and when we got there, we discovered that Nicole can't even attend that campus anyway, so it was actually a waste of time. GRRRR. That was frustrating.

J's mom had surgery today. We haven't heard anything from the family yet as to how she is doing but the nurse reports she is well. Now that my mama is gone, my mom in law is even more important. I am glad that we will be heading her way in June so that kids can spend time with her. She has not seen the boys in almost 7 years so she is in for a shock.

Caspian is volunteering at the zoo now and loves it and I know it is good for him. Today, when he left to go there in his khakis and belt and dress shoes, I was shocked at how mature and grown up he seemed. I miss that little skinny boy with the buzz haircut.

Nicole leaves this weekend for the first part of her SAR certification. We will all have fingers crossed for her that she passes with flying colors. This means a lot to her and so, to us as well.

Coryn is 12 now and is mesmerized by the mp3 player he got for his birthday. I admit to steering him to the music I like best . . . bad mama. :)

The change my life weight loss program continues. First, I joined Curve's. Second, I began taking a water aerobics class. Third, we got out the treadmill. Fourth, I enrolled in Positive Changes for their hypnosis program. Wouldn't you think that would cover it?? I have actually had some really good changes from it all--I am sleeping the best I have in months. I am eating half of what I used to. I watch every bite carefully. I exercise 4 to 5 times a week. EVENTUALLY I will drop pounds from all of this but in the meantime, I am settling for feeling better, sleeping better, eating better and just living better.

Now, if I can just get a little more work in--just enough to forestall panic but now overwork me, I'll be all set. Think good thoughts for me!

The Ups, the Downs, the Smiles, the Frowns

It has been a very strange week for me so far. I haven't (shhh) been working. I've actually done some reading, went on a cleaning binge in the bedroom, hung out with the kids on the couch and went to Goodwills WITHOUT feeling guilty for doing so. I gotta say, I LOVE it.

It has also been a week of highs and lows so far. Jump on the roller coaster with me and ride along. .. .

On the up side: The big project that I mentioned in the "Puzzle Piece" entry fell apart. This means that incredible pressure I was feeling to understand it is gone. Talk about weight off of one's shoulders.

I had one of the biggest thrills of my professional writing life last night when "Gossip Girl", a show I never watch but I couldn't find the remote at the moment, came on. The scene was students talking about SATs and how to prepare for them and on the desk where they were studying was MY BOOK. Yes, MY BOOK. I was so excited, I screamed. That has never, ever happened before so this was majorly cooooool.

We leave on Friday morning for a weekend in Sacramento, California. I am excited about being on the road and getting out of town for a few days. It's a warm up for this summer's L ON G drive to Indiana and Pennsylvania and back. We are going to the National Community Civilian Corps campus there for Nicole to see it, meet the people and get a feel for the program. Since she is semi-planning to go there in January, we want to check it out first and see what it is like.

Caspian's birthday was a smashing success. He is crazy about his cell phone, loved the cake and still is in shock that he finally gets to go back to Indiana. He has asked to do so every year since we moved. I think that he will be disappointed when reality meets his young memories, but I hope it is still fun for him.

This Thursday is Coryn's birthday. I haven't a dang clue what to get him. Actually, J had a decent idea last night that was intriguing . . . may follow up on that one. We're going to go and see a movie that day, plus we have to get ready to leave the next morning for our short trip.

I am back to exercising after taking days off because of my cough and cold. Between water aerobics, Curve's, Positive Changes hypnosis and a careful diet, I would think the weight would be falling off me. Ha. Right. Not sure if this entry should be in the ups (I'm working hard at it!) or the downs (it's so S L O W).

On the down side: The big project that I mentioned in the "Puzzle Piece" entry fell apart. This means that the amazing amount of money they were going to pay me went away too. That part of it sucked.

My hubby is still not back to being right since his episode last weekend. He hasn't slept a good night since. One night he was up for his neck bothering him. Last night he had an upset stomach. I don't know what's up with him but when he feels crappy, everyone feels crappy.

I, on the other hand, am STILL coughing from being sick and have this right side pain issue going on but it will get better and I'm hanging in there.

An editor on a project that is long done has suddenly decided that it should have been longer . . . and we' re politely going back and forth about it. I'm so in the right I cannot see how anyone could see otherwise but . . . . we will see. I haven't gotten that last check yet.

We need a house sitter/care taker for our place while we are on vacation in June. The idea of someone I don't really know living IN my house bothers me. We just need someone to check on the cat, change the litter box, bring in the mail and water the plants. Simple but hard to find the right person. My usual buddy can't do it, so I'm trying to decide who to ask next.

In other words, life goes on. I have to say that not having to get up every morning and push, push, push sure is nice. Of course, in June/July when the money suddenly fades out, I won't think so . . . . such is life.

The Sudden SAR Shuffle

Having a daughter who is part of Search and Rescue for the county sherriff's office is an interesting experience. Let me give you a little insight into what it means:

*You get to pay more than $1000 for equipment and dues. And no matter how thoroughly you hit Goodwill, Criagslist and REI, she will still need SOMETHING every few weeks. It will wear out, run out or fall apart.
*You get the pride of knowing your child is doing something really worthwhile to help her community, as well as learning important material that can help her throughout the rest of her life, regardless of what field she goes into.
*You get to say things like, "I'm off to the sheriff's station to pick up my daughter again. . . for the third time this week" and see people's reactions.
*You get to tell your friends things like, "My daughter was part of a liquor license sting this weekend" or "My kid worked with SWAT teams all day today in a practice school shooting." Unfortunately, at the same time, you have to deal with things like knowing your child is learning how to jump out of heliocoptors and rapelling off the side of waterfalls. Ah, the gray hairs.
*You get the pleasure of watching her take classes on tracking or evidence searches and wondering how this could still be your little baby.
*As I am fond of saying, you also get to see your child eagerly do things that you would be willing to pay a person to make sure you NEVER had to do, i.e. sleeping in a snow cave, wearing 14 layers of clothes at once, carrying a heavy litter up the side of a small mountain, etc.
*Best of all, however, you get to be an active member of what I now call the Sudden SAR Shuffle (SAR meaning Search and Rescue). It goes like this:

The cell phone rings. It's a number no one knows.
She answers. She starts to move quickly. Someone, somewhere is lost or missing. It's time to go to work. She changes into her uniform. She makes sure her pack (which weighs one-third of her total weight!!!) is ready to go. The entire family goes into high gear. Dad grabs the sleeping bag. Coryn fills the water bladder (a sac that goes into the backpack for drinking water). Mom makes sure snacks have been replenished and if it's almost time for a meal, throws together a quick sandwich. Caspian loads the van. We are a well oiled machine because in the last 9 months, she has gotten a number of these calls. You'd think then, that the next part of this tale would be about her heroic efforts with her team to find the missing person. That's not what happens.
Sometimes the Sudden SAR Shuffle gets as far as grabbing her pack--and then the call comes in--mission aborted. Person already found.
Sometimes we get all the way into the van and out of the driveway before the call comes.
Last night, she got all the way to the sheriff''s station and into their van and down the road before it was cancelled.
Sigh.
We were at the grocery store when she called to say she was called in. We had to forego the rest of the shopping, get in line, pay and get out of there fast, so we could get home and start helping with the Shuffle. Then it got cancelled--again.
It has been cancelled EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Now, don't get me wrong. We are all THRILLED that the person was found. That's the best possible outcome. But doing the Shuffle over and over and over again only to have the call cancelled gets O L D. It always makes me think of the Boy who Cried Wolf. I keep fearing that we will one day get one of these calls and we will all casually start getting things together only to find out that this one is really happening and then panic to get her there in time.
It's just one aspect of life in the Orr household that keeps us. . . unique.

Pave Paradise, Put up a Parking Lot

Remember that annoying song sung by Melanie back in the 70s? It had a good message but her voice just GOT to me. Anyway, the point of the song was that you sometimes don't realize how wonderful something is until it is gone, so appreciate it NOW. I had a lesson in that today.

It started with hey, honey, let's take a quick shower before we take Caspian to a friend's house. We'd already been to Curve's and back and the day was rolling. We took the shower (our shower is big enough to host a small tea party and have room left over for dancing) and I got out first. I was dry and getting dressed and the hubby still hadn't emerged. Finally, I went in to check on him. He was getting out and something was wrong--I could tell that immediately. He said he had terrible head pain and a burning in his chest. The same thing has happened twice in the last five years and the time we went to the ER, he was diagnosed with acid reflux, so I had a pretty good idea what we were in for.

The main thing that hits him is pure panic. Now, if you know Joseph, you know that this is really ALIEN to his personality. This man was once nicknamed Mr. Mellow. He is just very calm and steady 99.9% of the time. When this hits, it's like he becomes someone else. He starts to hyperventilate and pace. He becomes very agitated and god forbid, I come near him or touch him. He gets angry. He was clearly in a lot of pain and before, I gave him a purse to hyperventilate into because it slowed his breathing. I did the same thing this time and if I hadn't been so worried, the sight of him breathing into a Tinkerbell purse would have had me on the floor laughing. The idea of getting the camera did occur to me. Yes, I'm a bad, bad wife.

For 2 1/2 hours, we went through this. I sent the kids away to lunch (and once again was so grateful that my responsible 17 yr old could just head out the door with the boys, get them on the bus and to lunch without a blink of an eye). I flew down to the drugstore and asked for advice on what to give him. They recommended a couple of OTC products so I bought them and flew home again. Very hard to get this man to take medication . . . . but he did. The burning subsided a bit but the head pain and nausea continued. His breathing sped up and slowed down sporadically.

I brought him an Advil for the head pain. This man does NOT take pain killers of any kind. NONE. It was tough to get him to take ONE but I did it. I walked the fine line between checking on him and hovering. Finally he suggested he try something to eat and within 5 minutes, he was 90% better.
The recovery was almost as instanteous as the attack!

So, was it acid reflux? I don't know. I just know that it scared the pee out of me because I adore this man with every fiber of my being. He's my best friend in the whole world and I can't imagine a day without him. He's my paradise that life was trying to pave but I wouldn't let it. (Yes, that is the strangest analogy I've ever made in my writing career.)

Tomorrow is Caspian's birthday. I cannot believe he is turning 15. He is excited and I KNOW he will looooooove his present (more on that later).
This has been a harrowing day.

Mother's Day

I made a mistake today.

I walked into my local Hallmark store.

I have to admit it--I LOVE Hallmark stores. I am a major sucker for multiple lines of collectibles, sappy sentimental cards, adorable stuffed animals and sparkly keychains. Believe me, when they see me coming they rest assured that their utility bills will be paid in plenty of time. I usually go here with Nicole because I have found that testosterone reacts badly with the store, often causing a severe case of Igottagetouttahere-itis in my men.

So I went in alone today . . just for a few minutes. I found lots of sales which was cool and I bought myself a ridiculously beautiful and probably rarely ever to be used letter opener. I got a pair of boxers for the hubby which read "Dad's word is final. Ignored but final." Appropriate, I think for our house.

I bought a purse (if you know me well, that's certainly no surprise as I collect those too) and then I walked into this emotional wall that blindsided me: Mother's Day cards and gifts. I just wasn't ready for that. Usually I plan for weeks ahead what I am going to get my Mom for this holiday. I knew it meant a lot to her for me to pick something special and I enjoyed the process of thinking and choosing. I often ended up at Hallmark to make that selection. And here I was, and here was Mother's Day in the near future, and yet, there is no Mom. And it made me cry, right there in the store and I ended up telling this poor young clerk why I was upset and watching her thinking, Ah man, I only make $7.25 an hour. . . what am I supposed to say to this woman??? She choose the safe and always appropriate I'm so sorry and it helped.

I know I've written about missing my mom before . . . but this is really a struggle for me. She was my buddy. She was my #1 fan. She was my sounding board. She gave great advice. She told good jokes (dirty ones that she sometimes forgot the punchline to, which was even funnier). She was my MOM and although I turn 49 in a matter of days, I miss her like crazy. Seeing those cards and presents just about tore me up. I guess, in the end, that's kind of a tribute to her though . . . . to show she was a good mom. I hope that somehow, wherever she is, she knows that.