Too Much

Too much work.
Too many responsibilities.
Too little time.

My doctor's appointment, which I have literally been counting the hours until because I am so eager, was today. Not tomorrow when I had remembered. Not tomorrow when I had planned for. This morning. So I missed it. And I will get over it--I will. But right now I just want to go upstairs, crawl under the covers, pull them up and cry for a little while.

I won't do it.
I'll sit here and keep writing and hitting those deadlines.

But . . . too much. Just . . .too much.

On Tuesday

In a couple of days I am going to the doctor for a much overdue visit. The reasons for not going before now are long and boring, so we will skip those. I have a long list I am taking with me so I don't forget to say something I need to. I am pretty darn sure she will immediately refer me out for either a MRI or CAT scan--both of which are expensive, so I may wait until 2015 when insurance kicks in .  . . we will see.

I made a list of all of my primary symptoms last night and this morning I put them into a search box. It came up with a condition that every single symptom fit. . . . Hmmmmmmm. It's not a common condition, it's hard to pinpoint, most of the main causes do not apply to me, and there's little to be done about it  overall (well yahoo), but if I had a NAME for it, there would be tremendous relief in that alone. I've been in significant pain since August, so I would be thrilled with just some answers.

I am fortunate that I have finally, finally, FINALLY found a doctor who (1) listens without her eyes glazing over, (2) doesn't get upset that I've done my own medical research on the topic and (3) doesn't treat me like whatever is wrong with me is MY fault. (Because what is pain without a load of guilt thrown in, right?!)

So, send prayers, hugs, dance with chickens, read the tarot cards, think good thoughts, whatever you personally do and I will happily take it. I just want some answers. It's been a bit challenging to keep up with everything and deal with this much discomfort. Answers would sure help.

In a Mere Six Hours

Trying to really make the most of every minute today in the fervent hope I can take off Dec. 24, 25 and 26. To that end, welcome to what I have done between 8 a.m. and 2 p.m.:

1. Ordered a Christmas present for Joseph.
2. Looked in vain for a Christmas present for the boys.
3. Answered 44--yes, really--44 emails.
4. Got three job offers. Accepted one, said maybe to one and no to one.
5. Wrote a passage on how to become a professional bicycle rider.
6. Wrote a passage on useless inventions.
7. Got interviewed by phone with a new company about working for them.
8. Finished a letter and got it in the mailbox.
9. Taped up a present for a friend and got it ready to go to the P.O.
10. Went out for coffee, doing errands on the way back.
11. Cleaned up (okay, only a LITTLE, but it still counts, right?)
12. Had lunch with Cas and Joseph.
13. Researched sinkholes.
14. Repeatedly contemplated a nap.

Not too bad for the first six hours of the day. Of course, until I stop working about 9 or 10 pm tonight (7-8 hours from now), I still plan to:

1. Write a Power Point lesson on accidental inventions
2. Write the sidebars for a book on sinkholes
3. Research Bangladesh floating schools for a passage I am writing tomorrow
4. Finish a letter that is half way done
5. Flesh out the list of what is going into the holiday letter (which has turned in to an end of the year letter rather than Christmas because I am so far behind--thank you, Nicole)
6. Tape up the last set of boxes of gifts to send to the post office (trip #4)
7. Talk to Nicole before she goes to work, or after, or on break or whenever she can call
8. IM with Susan after she gets home tonight
9. Clean up more (ok, maybe not this one . . . .)
10. Have dinner

Fall into bed, try to read, can't keep eyes open, cue end of day.

Hard Days

Why is life harder some days than others? I have tried analyzing it, and am coming up pretty blank.  I often find myself in that trap of "if only I was _________" (fill in the blank--richer, younger, thinner, etc.), "I would be happy." I know that is not true. I have had none of those things and been happy; I've had all of those things and NOT been happy, and everything in between.

I know, on a conscious level, that everything is good for me right now. I have a wonderful husband and amazing kids. I have a great job. I love where I live. We are fine money wise. And yet, for the past week, each day I go through periods of such sadness and frustration that I get MAD at myself for being sad and frustrated. Ha, how intelligent is that?

I find myself missing people a great deal right now. I miss my parents so very, very much. I feel like I can relate to them more than ever, yet I can't pick up the phone and discuss it. I miss being someone's daughter.

I have one daughter I hold in my heart even though I've not had contact with her in a long time. I dream of her often and we are always friends again in those dreams. I wake with tears, missing her deeply.  I have one daughter who is on the other side of the planet and is truly my best friend, and having her happy in the Land Down Under is wonderful, but oh how I miss her. Christmas without her is just . . . incomprehensible.  I have two wonderful sons who are handsome and funny and smart and doing so well. Caspian leaves in two weeks for his internship, so I am already missing him. Coryn is itching to travel and is putting plans in place for the spring. They are happy, healthy and thriving. But the house keeps getting quieter and emptier.

I have a doctor's appointment in a few days that I both anticipate and dread. I suspect I will never get through it without crying. I fear that, even though she is such a patient woman, she will stop listening when I am only half way through trying to explain what is going on. I fear that she will insist on a scad of expensive medical tests that will just deepen our debt load, and reveal little to nothing. And while nothing sounds good, when you are in pain every single day and rarely going anywhere without a walker or a cane, you want them to find SOMETHING. Please!

I will get out of this funk. I will have a wonderful Christmas. I will meet these endless deadlines. I will smile and laugh and be happy. But it isn't going to be easy. Why can't we burn calories by concentrating, pushing through, and accomplishing? At least that would be a nice bonus.

Yeah, hard days.

Thankful

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and we will take turns saying what we are thankful for, but I'm going to take a moment to share mine now.

I am thankful I have a husband who loves me and shows that love to me in a hundred ways every single day. I am so grateful that he puts up with my paper/purse/book hoarding, my constant messes, my stupid and annoying ongoing medical issues, and my poor housekeeping skills. 

I am thankful that I have a marriage that enriches my life, and that I want to go on forever and forever, never worrying that either one of us would have an affair or do anything to hurt the other one. 

I am thankful for four children. I only spent about 17 years with Jasmine, but I loved those years. I loved the jokes we told, the games we played, the time we spent together in the car, ushering, going to and from her jobs. I still read her essays and papers she wrote so long ago and I send her mental hugs every single day and hope life is treating her with great kindness and happiness. I am thankful for Nicole, who is so very far away in body right now, but often right next to me in spirit. I am so, so thankful that she is my best friend in the world and that we can share anything, from life's biggest challenges and pains to its greatest joys and surprises. I am thankful for Caspian, my sweet, tender, hard working son who always takes the time to hug me, and ask me about work (and actually wants an answer!), and I am grateful that he turns to me for help and guidance on issues, even when I am absolutely clueless on the right answers. I am thankful for Coryn, the smartass who makes me laugh, fixes, my computer, shares good books with me, and hangs out with me to watch TV, responding to my side comments with eye rolls. 

I am thankful for my career. It makes the most of what I love to do most anyway, and by gosh, it earns enough (most of the time) to pay the bills, go to Goodwill whenever the mood strikes (usually daily), and have enough left over for me to visit Etsy without guilt, and help the kids if/when they ever need it. 

I am thankful for living in Oregon. I feel "at home" here, and although, admittedly, holidays are hard since family is so far away, I still want to be here. The scenery, the freedom, the diversity, and the culture make it perfect for us. 

I am thankful for my friends. I can count them on one hand, but that is as it should be as they are the ones I know I can call on day or night for help, a friendly ear, a hug, or whatever else I need. You ladies know who you are and I am grateful for having each of you in my life. 

I am thankful for my pen friends. Although I know virtually none of them face to face, I have shared my life, thoughts, worries, hopes, and dreams with them on paper for months and years. Going out to the mailbox each day is a treasure. Making mail art, sending tuck ins, writing long letters--it is very gratifying for me (okay, other than the occasional whackadoodle letter writer who makes me wonder what in the world they were thinking . . . ) I do count some of these people as true friends and they certainly enrich my life. (I guess I should do a shout out for the postal system as well then. Even though it is bleeding out money every year, I do all I can to personally support it and keep it alive.)

Life isn't easy. From day to day, it can be very difficult with hard decisions to make, incredible pain to bear, huge challenges to overcome, and terrible losses to endure. Despite it all, I am thankful I am here to confront each one and to cherish the moments in between.

Gout Be Gone!

Gout was something I had never heard of until about two years ago. My first experience with it was pretty hideous. I compared it to having glass shards embedded into your foot and then lit on fire. Since then, I've learned what does and does not trigger an episode with me, as well as what symptoms to watch for to signal it's back.

Apparently  . . I forgot. I ate a dish with anchovies in it (I despise anchovies most of the time but in this dish, they are amazing) and about 36 hours later, bam! My foot began to feel tight. I procrastinated doing anything because I was out of the medication for it. Finally I checked with my pharmacy (yes, thank you Nicole and Joseph for nagging me to do it) and I had a prescription refill left. HAPPINESS. Six pills--$40!

I took the first two doses and waited. My foot continued to swell, turn red, and inflamed. For the first time, the pills didn't seem to knock it one bit. In fact, when I went to bed last night, I ended up snuggled with Joseph and crying because of the pain. I took something for it and finally drifted off to sleep, waking every time I moved. (My sweet husband brought a small box to bed and put it under the covers so I could put my foot next to it and the covers wouldn't touch. Gosh, he is a sweetie.) Now it's 4:30 a.m. and I am up again for another dose and more pain medication because damn, it is NOT any better. Only one pill left, so it had better work soon!

Yesterday I pushed through and finished two assignments. Today I have two more to tackle. What I want to do is spend the day on the couch with my foot elevated and chanting, "Gout, be gone!" every few minutes. Read, nap, repeat, until this is gone. Will I do this? Unlikely, but it sounds good.

Thanks for coming by just to read me bitching and whining. It doesn't help my foot, but it helps my heart.

Meet my Soulmate

I tend to write a lot about my job, my kids--but feel I sometimes overlook the person who helps make it all possible. My husband.

Joseph and I have been married for 32 years now, and I think I have come to appreciate him more with each passing year. Let me show you why.

On an almost daily basis, Joseph:

• does all of the dishes and all of the cooking
• gets up at 4:30 a.m. to take his sons to work (without complaint!)
• gets my walker in and out of the car and sets it up for me (and then tells me I look sexy using it!)
• helps me get dressed on the bad mornings when my back hurts too much to bend
• brings me my slippers even before I mention it's cold
• opens every door for me
• walks behind me in stores with a cart, so I can keep my walker free to sit on
• brings me a chair and has me sit down while he dries my hair since, once again, he knows it hurts my back to do so
• actually believes I am beautiful
• listens to me rant about work
• listens to his kids and helps them in any way he can
• puts up with the neverending mess that is paper, purses, books, and collectibles
• compliments me to every one he meets
• stops and helps any driver with a flat tire, engine problem, or anyone else he sees in need
• makes me laugh
• gets coconut water for me at the store even though it ain't cheap, but he knows how much I like it
• makes every single day of life with him a pleasure.

I am one lucky, lucky lady. Of course, since Joseph is also a man, he will somehow translate all of this into sexual favors. Sheeeesh. :)