Sunday, July 21, 2013

I Can Say . . .

Do you have times where you just feel "off"? Where things seem to hurt more (emotionally and physically), when humor is harder to find, when worries are louder, when your self-esteem dips, and where you feel a little lonely even though you're surrounded by people who truly love you? That pretty much describes my last week. I have many causes to point my finger at (and yes, I just ended a sentence with a preposition, but I'm feeling feisty so gimme a break).

I can say it is because I just stopped a medication and even though it was at the doctor's recommendation, I've taken it twice a day for more than two months and I think I can feel the impact.

I can say it is because, despite daily exercise and eating very carefully, my weight loss has stalled for weeks.

I can say it is because, despite all of the above, my blood pressure has been creeping back up for reasons I don't understand. (Well, other than the LIST of reasons in this post, eh?)

I can say it is because my husband is very stressed right now because of the roofing job and other pressures and we are SO connected that when he goes internal and quiet, I feel somewhat adrift as he is often my anchor. His way of handling stress is right for him, but I honestly feel like my soulmate disappears for a while, and goodness, I miss him.

I can say it is because Coryn is leaving in six weeks for Europe and I already miss him. I can also add the stress of worrying about getting enough money for it to order that ticket next week. A number of people have been quite kind, but we are still short of what we need to click "purchase ticket" and every passing day, the price climbs a little.

I can say it is because of this rotten, rotten headache I have that I can't seem to shake for days. I feel sure the neurologist on Tuesday will give me the all clear, but I do wish I knew why the headache (which started three days before the seizure).

I can say that my self-esteem took a hit this weekend. How I look in my head, especially after losing 26 lbs., is not how I looked in our family pictures. (And yes, it took me TWO HOURS to decide what to wear, with input from the entire family, and if I could do it all over again, I would change in a heartbeat.)

I can say that when a friend snapped a pic of me during our neighborhood walk (hair up, sweaty, shorts) and put it online, my confidence slipped lower. I can add that trying to explain to my husband why this was upsetting to me right now was futile. He just looks at me with complete confusion, and while I never doubt he LOVES me, sometimes, being a MAN you know, he just doesn't GET me.

I can say all of this and every statement is true. But I know that each one will pass. Each one will be weathered or disappear or be resolved, and I will feel better. But right now . . . I'm feeling a bit low. I can say that, right?


Jackie said...

You certainly can say that. I've had those days and weeks, and they come and go. I just try to enjoy the good ones and make the best I can out of the crappy ones. Hang in there, girl! You are awesome - at least I think you are.

WritingGoddess said...

Thanks, Miss Jacki. I feel hugged from here.

Tammy Bowers said...

(((Hugs))) You are amazing and beautiful. I hope you're feeling better soon. "This, too, shall pass..."