I have been hired for one of the best paying projects of my life. In today's economy, that is a GOOD thing. However, there's a reason why we are being paid so well--it's a helluvalotta work. I've had four, yes, four, conference calls about it so far and I now liken it to having someone dump a 5000 piece puzzle on the table in front of you and then taking away the box so you don't know what you're supposed to be creating. Each time I have a conference call, I am able to put a few new pieces in the puzzle but I still have no idea what the finished picture looks like. I am pretty quick with these kinds of things so if I am this stumped, it means it is not being explained clearly at all. I am hoping that with each passing day, reading the material, talking to others and doing more conference calls I will get up to speed.
Of course, my speed is mighty compromised right now anyway because I have a rotten cold. Sneezing, sniffling, aching, sore throat, cough and laryngitis cold. Not lousy enough to wanna curl up and die but too lousy to go to exercise classes and to have ANY motivation to work. Now it's Friday and that means my motivation is wayyyyyyy down. I wanna go and do something fun like hang out in Goodwill or sit in a bookstore or eat at an exotic restaurant. Clearly, playing hooky is not something I have outgrown.
I have a weekend full of work ahead of me. I have 1/2 a book due by Monday morning and another complete book due the following day. Sigh. However, then, my schedule opens up quite a bit and it looks like I might even have a couple of days off. Wahoo.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Happy Tax Day
Today was crazy and hectic and too busy and overwhelming, but it ended really, really nicely.
Paying taxes is not one of my favorite things to do. Since I am self employed, I get hit really hard in spring with thousands of dollars to pay and this does not a happy woman make. However, a few years ago, Joseph and I decided that rather than make it a national day of mourning like we'd like to do, we would find a way to celebrate the day. We began mailing in our returns and payments (sometimes full, sometimes partial) close to midnight. The kids would put on their pajamas and we'd go for ice cream on the way home. This made the day more fun and had it end on a happy note.
Tonight, I came home from swimming at 10, wrote the checks, piled family into the car and took off for the post office. I put on some special music I had reserved for the moment (DaVinci's Notebook's "My Enormous . . . well you can guess what body part) and sang along at the funny part of the chorus. We put the checks in the mail box to the sound of a makeshift drum roll and then we went out for a 11:00 meal. We put money in the juke box, got the wrong songs, and talked, giggled and ate. On the way back to the van, two of my kids were singing, with their arms around each other (keep in mind, these kids are 17 and 12) and my 15 yr old was walking with his arm around my shoulders. The dog was waiting in the van for us. We came home eager for bed but I was infinitely grateful for our togetherness.
Paying taxes is not one of my favorite things to do. Since I am self employed, I get hit really hard in spring with thousands of dollars to pay and this does not a happy woman make. However, a few years ago, Joseph and I decided that rather than make it a national day of mourning like we'd like to do, we would find a way to celebrate the day. We began mailing in our returns and payments (sometimes full, sometimes partial) close to midnight. The kids would put on their pajamas and we'd go for ice cream on the way home. This made the day more fun and had it end on a happy note.
Tonight, I came home from swimming at 10, wrote the checks, piled family into the car and took off for the post office. I put on some special music I had reserved for the moment (DaVinci's Notebook's "My Enormous . . . well you can guess what body part) and sang along at the funny part of the chorus. We put the checks in the mail box to the sound of a makeshift drum roll and then we went out for a 11:00 meal. We put money in the juke box, got the wrong songs, and talked, giggled and ate. On the way back to the van, two of my kids were singing, with their arms around each other (keep in mind, these kids are 17 and 12) and my 15 yr old was walking with his arm around my shoulders. The dog was waiting in the van for us. We came home eager for bed but I was infinitely grateful for our togetherness.
Monday, April 14, 2008
The Good, the Bad and the VERY Ugly
Life just wants me to go on rollercoaster rides, apparently. I've been all over the place in the last 24 hours. As long as I am on the ride, I might as well take you with me, right?
THE GOOD: Coryn dealt with my leaving for the weekend absolutely fine and never had a moment's trouble. (Read earlier posts to understand why this is remarkable.) He was happy to have me back but didn't angst about my absence at all.
I had a wonderful time with Nicole. I didn't get to see much of her as she was in class the vast majority of it, but what time we did have together was just lovely. We giggled and talked and just enjoyed being together. I loved the hotel room--it got lonely Saturday because I was alone from 8 am to 10:30 pm but I got work done, I finished a book and I took a nap. Those were good things.
THE BAD: I came home to a computer that was okay at first and then began to act up and then proceed to lose more than half of my email folders, each one containing dozens of important work related emails. I can't begin to think how it happened or what to do. Coryn found them all sitting in my recycle bin but when he clicked to restore them, none of them did. As far as I can tell, they are just gone. My computer guy can't get here until tomorrow morning and in the meantime, I do a lot of sniffling and swearing over it.
I have two huge assignments due today and there is no way I can get them done with all I have lost. I will do my best but sometimes I just want to stand up and walk away from it all, ya know?
THE UGLY: Taxes. Man, oh man, do I hate being self employed at tax time. We owe less than last year, true, but still it's enough to wipe out one savings account and still not be paid off. I knew it would be bad, but I had hoped it would be a little better than this. We will weather it--always have and always will but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it, ya know?
Still up in the air . . . vacation. (And hell yes, I am still taking out enough money to go on vacation because this family and I deserve it and the IRS does NOT.) Where to go? What to do? We have some ideas but they depend on three factors that we currently have no control over. (Yes, I am being mysterious because my kids read this and I haven't revealed those ideas yet.) Wherever we do end up going, it will be the second two weeks of June. That much we DO know.
Sigh. Going back to work now and try to cope with harsh reality. Man, I wish I did drugs sometimes. (Just kidding, of course.)
THE GOOD: Coryn dealt with my leaving for the weekend absolutely fine and never had a moment's trouble. (Read earlier posts to understand why this is remarkable.) He was happy to have me back but didn't angst about my absence at all.
I had a wonderful time with Nicole. I didn't get to see much of her as she was in class the vast majority of it, but what time we did have together was just lovely. We giggled and talked and just enjoyed being together. I loved the hotel room--it got lonely Saturday because I was alone from 8 am to 10:30 pm but I got work done, I finished a book and I took a nap. Those were good things.
THE BAD: I came home to a computer that was okay at first and then began to act up and then proceed to lose more than half of my email folders, each one containing dozens of important work related emails. I can't begin to think how it happened or what to do. Coryn found them all sitting in my recycle bin but when he clicked to restore them, none of them did. As far as I can tell, they are just gone. My computer guy can't get here until tomorrow morning and in the meantime, I do a lot of sniffling and swearing over it.
I have two huge assignments due today and there is no way I can get them done with all I have lost. I will do my best but sometimes I just want to stand up and walk away from it all, ya know?
THE UGLY: Taxes. Man, oh man, do I hate being self employed at tax time. We owe less than last year, true, but still it's enough to wipe out one savings account and still not be paid off. I knew it would be bad, but I had hoped it would be a little better than this. We will weather it--always have and always will but it doesn't mean I have to be happy about it, ya know?
Still up in the air . . . vacation. (And hell yes, I am still taking out enough money to go on vacation because this family and I deserve it and the IRS does NOT.) Where to go? What to do? We have some ideas but they depend on three factors that we currently have no control over. (Yes, I am being mysterious because my kids read this and I haven't revealed those ideas yet.) Wherever we do end up going, it will be the second two weeks of June. That much we DO know.
Sigh. Going back to work now and try to cope with harsh reality. Man, I wish I did drugs sometimes. (Just kidding, of course.)
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Emotional Overload
Last night, within a one hour period, I had to console two of my kids (youngest and oldest) as they cried and both stated, in their own ways, that "life sucks". By the time I was done, I felt like I had just survived a tornado of emotions. I also felt unbelievably inadequate. I had no magic answers. I had no profound solutions. I had no wise advice. All I had to offer was love and sympathy and boy, did that seem insufficient. I wanted to be hit with a lightning bolt of YES! I know how to fix this. I mean, I'm the MOM; aren't I supposed to have the answers to all of life's quandries? Apparently not.
It's hard to be happy when your kids aren't, ya know? During the course of the day, when you're bopping along, feeling good, all of a sudden it strikes you that someone you love deeply is miserable and then all the joy of the moment seems to disappear.
I want to be wise. I want to know the perfect thing to say or do. I want to have my children's eyes stop crying and have the light come back into them. I could do it when they were little--why I can't I do it anymore?
It's hard to be happy when your kids aren't, ya know? During the course of the day, when you're bopping along, feeling good, all of a sudden it strikes you that someone you love deeply is miserable and then all the joy of the moment seems to disappear.
I want to be wise. I want to know the perfect thing to say or do. I want to have my children's eyes stop crying and have the light come back into them. I could do it when they were little--why I can't I do it anymore?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Whaddya' do?
I have a parenting issue on my hands that has me completely stumped. You'd think after 24 years and 4 kids, I'd have most of the answers, but not this one apparently.
My older three are amazingly independent creatures. They are all eager to try new things, meet new people, go new places, etc. And then there is my youngest. Brilliant guy. I mean, SMART. So smart in fact, that as we have been going though this issue, he went and got a book (Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies), read the whole thing and then proceeded to inform me that he had a "classic case of separation anxiety disorder". He's right--he does.
Four years ago, when he was about 8, he didn't have much trouble with my leaving now and then. I was out on book tours then, plus several companies I work with flew me to their headquarters for special training/projects. Although he missed me, he was fine with it.
Now, I am trying to go away for three days and two nights with Nicole and the boy is in tears every day over it. He has gotten progressively worse over time, refusing to spend the night anywhere and hating it if I go away overnight. In January, I had to leave for 6 days to go to Indiana and be with my mom and he really had a melt down. He begged me to not go or take me with him and the emotional pain of going through that was almost as awful as losing my mom. I had hoped that trip would help him--he'd find out that he was really ok without me and coped fine--which he did--but it hasn't helped at all. In fact, I think it's worse.
I tried talking to him about it last night and he did mention that he was somewhat worried about me when I was gone, even quoting statistics on how often people have car accidents, but we both came to the conclusion that fear for me was not the cause of his anxiety. He says, "I know my subconcious mind knows why I feel this way but my concious mind doesn't have a clue". See, smart!
I have wondered if death is bothering him more than he lets on. In the last 6 years, he has seen one of his favorite homeschooling moms die unexpectedly, my dad died, my mom died, and my sister in law died. (Heck, I think death is bothering me too, at this point). He doesn't seem to have any preoccupation with death and never asks me about it . . . although we generally avoid him watching any movies where something bad happens to the mom.
So anyway, the weekend is approaching and I am worried about it. I don't want to walk out if he is sobbing and asking me to stay. I also don't want to cancel my plans and miss this opportunity with Nicole. I am so torn. I've thought about finding a counselor for him, but it has to be someone who won't go the "Buck up and be a man!" route or "If you hadn't homeschooled him. . . " route.
I love this boy so much and to cause him pain hurts me. I just don't know what the answer is or the best way to respond to his feelings. Any experts out there? Any ideas? Any suggestions? Any anecdotes? I'm lost here. I want to help him and I don't know what to do!
My older three are amazingly independent creatures. They are all eager to try new things, meet new people, go new places, etc. And then there is my youngest. Brilliant guy. I mean, SMART. So smart in fact, that as we have been going though this issue, he went and got a book (Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies), read the whole thing and then proceeded to inform me that he had a "classic case of separation anxiety disorder". He's right--he does.
Four years ago, when he was about 8, he didn't have much trouble with my leaving now and then. I was out on book tours then, plus several companies I work with flew me to their headquarters for special training/projects. Although he missed me, he was fine with it.
Now, I am trying to go away for three days and two nights with Nicole and the boy is in tears every day over it. He has gotten progressively worse over time, refusing to spend the night anywhere and hating it if I go away overnight. In January, I had to leave for 6 days to go to Indiana and be with my mom and he really had a melt down. He begged me to not go or take me with him and the emotional pain of going through that was almost as awful as losing my mom. I had hoped that trip would help him--he'd find out that he was really ok without me and coped fine--which he did--but it hasn't helped at all. In fact, I think it's worse.
I tried talking to him about it last night and he did mention that he was somewhat worried about me when I was gone, even quoting statistics on how often people have car accidents, but we both came to the conclusion that fear for me was not the cause of his anxiety. He says, "I know my subconcious mind knows why I feel this way but my concious mind doesn't have a clue". See, smart!
I have wondered if death is bothering him more than he lets on. In the last 6 years, he has seen one of his favorite homeschooling moms die unexpectedly, my dad died, my mom died, and my sister in law died. (Heck, I think death is bothering me too, at this point). He doesn't seem to have any preoccupation with death and never asks me about it . . . although we generally avoid him watching any movies where something bad happens to the mom.
So anyway, the weekend is approaching and I am worried about it. I don't want to walk out if he is sobbing and asking me to stay. I also don't want to cancel my plans and miss this opportunity with Nicole. I am so torn. I've thought about finding a counselor for him, but it has to be someone who won't go the "Buck up and be a man!" route or "If you hadn't homeschooled him. . . " route.
I love this boy so much and to cause him pain hurts me. I just don't know what the answer is or the best way to respond to his feelings. Any experts out there? Any ideas? Any suggestions? Any anecdotes? I'm lost here. I want to help him and I don't know what to do!
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Sleepitis
I appear to have a raging case of sleepitis this weekend. Even though I am actually sleeping better than I used to, I am so damn s l e e p y this weekend, it's ridiculous. In fact, I just pulled my hubby in from working outside to run down and get me TWO, yes, TWO cups of coffee. That is more than I usually have in several weeks. I even took a nap yesterday and I'm still whipped. I think it is primarily because I've started two exercise classes this week--water aerobics and Curve's. It's good for me, glad I did it, but I think my body is going, HEY!!!! You expect me to write all day, sleep 6 hours a night, raise three children AND exercise? I don't think so . . . . . I just have to hang in there until it finally agrees with me.
I am looking at the rest of my month and thinking. . . . if I can just get a couple more things done, albeit large ones, I will be in the clear for a somewhat restful month. If I could just find a way to work 6 or so hours a day and then take off the weekends, I would be sooooooooo grateful.
Everyone who loves me (or even likes me a lot) needs to think of me this Friday morning as I drag my trembling carcass into the tax accountant's office to turn in our taxes this year. It's not gonna be pretty. It's the one time of year when self employment REALLY sucks.
I was rearranging some things in my bedroom last night and happened upon a number of pictures of my parents. I just wasn't emotionally prepared for it and burst into tears. The pics were from their visit here in 2005. It was a rough visit--dad's health was iffy and while they were here, my sister in law died so they had to leave and go back early. But there were some sweet moments and those photos captured a couple of them. I am grateful for the memories but resent that I can't create any more of them.
I'm preparing for a really hectic week since I am going away for the weekend with Nicole. Between that we have classes for me, classes for Nicole, classes for Caspian and (yea) Cirque de Soleil. Can't wait for that.
Wish I could be brilliant in this blog entry but I'm just too sleepy folks. Leave me comments so I know you were here.
I am looking at the rest of my month and thinking. . . . if I can just get a couple more things done, albeit large ones, I will be in the clear for a somewhat restful month. If I could just find a way to work 6 or so hours a day and then take off the weekends, I would be sooooooooo grateful.
Everyone who loves me (or even likes me a lot) needs to think of me this Friday morning as I drag my trembling carcass into the tax accountant's office to turn in our taxes this year. It's not gonna be pretty. It's the one time of year when self employment REALLY sucks.
I was rearranging some things in my bedroom last night and happened upon a number of pictures of my parents. I just wasn't emotionally prepared for it and burst into tears. The pics were from their visit here in 2005. It was a rough visit--dad's health was iffy and while they were here, my sister in law died so they had to leave and go back early. But there were some sweet moments and those photos captured a couple of them. I am grateful for the memories but resent that I can't create any more of them.
I'm preparing for a really hectic week since I am going away for the weekend with Nicole. Between that we have classes for me, classes for Nicole, classes for Caspian and (yea) Cirque de Soleil. Can't wait for that.
Wish I could be brilliant in this blog entry but I'm just too sleepy folks. Leave me comments so I know you were here.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Weekend Approacheth
Is it a bad sign when you're anticipating the weekend from Monday afternoon on? This has been a long week but a decent one. I've been keenly aware of time passing lately, brought on in no small part, I am sure by the upcoming birthdays of my two sons. Caspian will be 15 on April 22 and Coryn will be 12 on May 1. (Let's ignore how old Tami turns on May 3).
Caspian's life has suddenly gotten much busier--just about the same time that Nicole's tended to kick up. He has a new friend and they are hanging out together. He is taking his first exercise class and although it is challenging, he seems to like it. He has volunteer work once a week and when summer starts, it will go to twice a week. He is at a stage that he cracks me up as often as he irritates me. He can be surly and tempremental one second and then hugging me or sliding across the kitchen in his socks the next.
We have a couple of short upcoming trips that I am looking forward to. On April 11-13, I am going to Bend with Nicole. She is going with her Search and Rescue group to a tracking class and as the only girl, she would be staying alone in a hotel room. That just didn't work for me, so with laptop and suitcase in hand, I am going with her. She will go out and track and I will read, work and NAP. Sounds glorious to me. Then, on May 2-4 we are going to Sacramento, CA to check out the NCCC campus and learn more about the program. It looks pretty sure that Nicole will be enrolling in January. (That breeze that just blew through your house was actually me sighing.) We are tentatively planning to head out for summer vacation in mid June, destination unknown at this point in time. Suggestions anyone?
My swimming class is a good one--discovered I can't hold my breathe for crap and that my balance in water is not what it used to be, but I enjoyed the class and know I will benefit from it. I plan to supplement it with a membership to Curve's as well. Once these sore muscles wear off, I am sure I will feel fantastic.
Dreamt of my mom again last night. As in all of my dreams, I think she has died but she hasn't. I just so miss the sound of her voice. I've actually been talking with my brother a lot this past week and each conversation has been CIVIL. I attributed it to April Fool's Day but it has continued since then. I will just appreciate it while it lasts.
Nothing else new to report. Off to type and type and type and type, for a change.
Caspian's life has suddenly gotten much busier--just about the same time that Nicole's tended to kick up. He has a new friend and they are hanging out together. He is taking his first exercise class and although it is challenging, he seems to like it. He has volunteer work once a week and when summer starts, it will go to twice a week. He is at a stage that he cracks me up as often as he irritates me. He can be surly and tempremental one second and then hugging me or sliding across the kitchen in his socks the next.
We have a couple of short upcoming trips that I am looking forward to. On April 11-13, I am going to Bend with Nicole. She is going with her Search and Rescue group to a tracking class and as the only girl, she would be staying alone in a hotel room. That just didn't work for me, so with laptop and suitcase in hand, I am going with her. She will go out and track and I will read, work and NAP. Sounds glorious to me. Then, on May 2-4 we are going to Sacramento, CA to check out the NCCC campus and learn more about the program. It looks pretty sure that Nicole will be enrolling in January. (That breeze that just blew through your house was actually me sighing.) We are tentatively planning to head out for summer vacation in mid June, destination unknown at this point in time. Suggestions anyone?
My swimming class is a good one--discovered I can't hold my breathe for crap and that my balance in water is not what it used to be, but I enjoyed the class and know I will benefit from it. I plan to supplement it with a membership to Curve's as well. Once these sore muscles wear off, I am sure I will feel fantastic.
Dreamt of my mom again last night. As in all of my dreams, I think she has died but she hasn't. I just so miss the sound of her voice. I've actually been talking with my brother a lot this past week and each conversation has been CIVIL. I attributed it to April Fool's Day but it has continued since then. I will just appreciate it while it lasts.
Nothing else new to report. Off to type and type and type and type, for a change.
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