Warning: Premenstrual emotional state directly ahead.
I have just had a hard day. I am sure that most of this is due to an impending period. But I started out with what looked like a relatively free day. . . I had work to do, of course but it was not an overwhelming amount for once.
Then the day actually started. I was up until almost 2 then got up about 7.
I got an email that the huge project I finished at almost 2 was not, after all, complete and I had to go back over all of them by Thursday night.
Then I had to take a 2 hour teleconference call that was soooooo dull that I actually organized my bookmarks, YES, organized. my. bookmarks. while I was talking.
THEN, my hubby called my mother in law and she was in the ER Sunday having a CAT scan. It identified a mass in her abdomen. She gets the report on it tomorrow. Now, the woman is 86 but still . . . she is the last of the grandparents left. We lost my dad two years ago and my mom two months ago and I just cannot imagine losing my dear mother in law soon too. Hearing about her just brings back all the emotions I have over my parents and it still hurts just as much.
Lastly, I have been looking forward to one of my all time favorite authors coming to Portland for months. She was here tonight and because I had all of this work to do, I couldn't go. That really, really bummed me out.
Combine all of that with slight cramps and PMS and it makes for a weepy woman. I'd like to wait out the emotions by curling up in bed and pulling the covers over my head rather than writing out explanations for 240 questions.
Sigh.
I know, I know dad. This too will pass. (He always told me that in times of distress.) But could it please hurry up?
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Have a Good Time and Try not to get Shot at School Today
Yes, those are the very words I said to two of my children at the dark, ungodly hour of 6 a.m this morning. It caused both to snicker, which was my intent. As life long homeschoolers, the concept of getting up, eating fast and hustling out the door to go to school is a foreign one. Today, however, they are participating in a SWAT demonstration, thanks to Nicole's involvement with Search and Rescue. They are going into different schools (which are empty for spring break) and pretending to be involved in a school shooting so the SWAT team gets practice on how to handle the situation. Last I talked to Nicole, they were having pizza and Caspian was having a great time screaming and running with her.
I am cherishing my moments with Nicole right now . . . we have put some tentative plans into place for how she will be spending the next year of her life and the GOOD mother is thrilled because I think it is a fabulous choice. The BAD mother thinks that her heart may just shatter on the ground when she has to say goodbye for (potentially) 10 months. The idea of her traveling about the world with others is both terrifying and thrilling for me. It about killed me when her older sister did it and this is even harder because age has not brought a wedge between us. We are each other's dearest friends. If she ends up based in Sacramento, California, which we are hoping, then she will only be 10 hours away and we can see her. If she is sent to the Maryland campus . . well . . . not.
I keep reassuring myself that if our children are ready to spread their wings and fly away from home, that means we did the whole parenting thing right. There is an element of comfort in that but mostly I just see this huge void that she will leave when she goes. I'm still grappling with the void my mom and dad have left and so far, 3 months and 2 years later respectively, it hasn't shrunk any.
Clearly, life is full of change. Most of the time, I really, really like it but I have to admit that letting my children go is one of the hardest ones. I know that I will always have a place in their hearts (even if they seem to not realize it at times) but I just won't have a daily presence in their lives. After being so close for so many years, that is a tough life lesson.
Sigh. On the other hand, I got a report from the wonderful world of Social Security in the mail last week. They gleefully informed me that if I keep working until I am 70, I will get a monthly check for $2500. Sigh. I have to wonder if my wrists and eyes will last another 21 plus years. Of course, the idea that 70 is only 21 years away is sobering enough that I have to quit writing now and recover emotionally.
I am cherishing my moments with Nicole right now . . . we have put some tentative plans into place for how she will be spending the next year of her life and the GOOD mother is thrilled because I think it is a fabulous choice. The BAD mother thinks that her heart may just shatter on the ground when she has to say goodbye for (potentially) 10 months. The idea of her traveling about the world with others is both terrifying and thrilling for me. It about killed me when her older sister did it and this is even harder because age has not brought a wedge between us. We are each other's dearest friends. If she ends up based in Sacramento, California, which we are hoping, then she will only be 10 hours away and we can see her. If she is sent to the Maryland campus . . well . . . not.
I keep reassuring myself that if our children are ready to spread their wings and fly away from home, that means we did the whole parenting thing right. There is an element of comfort in that but mostly I just see this huge void that she will leave when she goes. I'm still grappling with the void my mom and dad have left and so far, 3 months and 2 years later respectively, it hasn't shrunk any.
Clearly, life is full of change. Most of the time, I really, really like it but I have to admit that letting my children go is one of the hardest ones. I know that I will always have a place in their hearts (even if they seem to not realize it at times) but I just won't have a daily presence in their lives. After being so close for so many years, that is a tough life lesson.
Sigh. On the other hand, I got a report from the wonderful world of Social Security in the mail last week. They gleefully informed me that if I keep working until I am 70, I will get a monthly check for $2500. Sigh. I have to wonder if my wrists and eyes will last another 21 plus years. Of course, the idea that 70 is only 21 years away is sobering enough that I have to quit writing now and recover emotionally.
Monday, March 24, 2008
All Nighters Suck
I used to be SO good at all nighters. In college, I would curl up in chair in the dorm lounge, surrounded by a cold soda, a pile of M and M's, my textbooks and notes and study up a storm. I memorized really well and in the late night hours, everything seemed so crystal clear to me. I would go in the next day and ace the test, then spend the afternoon celebrating instead of napping.
Such is youth.
Flash forward to today, or to be more accurate, yesterday. It became abundantly clear to me by mid afternoon that what I had figured would take me 6-7 hours was actually going to take more than 10. As the evening wore down and everyone began to get ready for bed, I knew I was in for a long one.
At midnight, everyone was in bed. I shifted to my upstairs office because at night it feels cozier and more comfortable than the one I have in the living room. I put on some stupid sitcom repeat that keeps me company without acutally having to watch it closely and typed away. One became two became three became . . . well let's just say that when J got up at 7:30, I was just finishing up. It was one L O N G night.
At 7:30, I crawled into the best bed in the universe and closed my eyes. 50 minutes later, the phone rang. J was gone, taking Nicole to her bus stop, so I had to answer it (yes, it's a compulsion). It was a fax which meant I had to get up, go push the button and then stand there to get the (sigh) nine page fax. By then, J came home. We chit chatted, I answered some emails, looked at the day's schedules, read the newspaper's comics and then at 9:10, I laid back down. 70 minutes later, the phone rang. J was on his cell phone so he couldn't answer it. I did and guess what? It was another fax. Sigh.
I gave up. I got up. I've been going ever since.
So my eyes feel like sandpaper. I have a sore throat. My mind feels pretty dull. I work for 10 minutes and take a break. My all nighter abilities have clearly faded away (although I bet I'd perk up if someone would only bring me some M and M's.) The day seems really, really long and it's only 1:00.
It's a long way to 11 tonight and if I could only perk up just a little bit, I could get so much done. Today was supposed to be the first day of my week off, but it ain't happenin. I fell behind and now I've got stuff due all week. It is lighter than usual though, so I am hoping to only put in 5-6 hours a day and then claim the rest for the fun stuff I had planned like reading, going shopping with my good friend Susan, spending a day out with Nicole, having a family slide show, reading, rearranging my office somewhat, going to a homeschool conference to do a book signing, reading and of course NAPPING without guilt.
But before I get there, I have two 120 question tests and a book to write. Is it vacation time yet? You can bet when it is, I will NOT be pulling any all nighters.
Such is youth.
Flash forward to today, or to be more accurate, yesterday. It became abundantly clear to me by mid afternoon that what I had figured would take me 6-7 hours was actually going to take more than 10. As the evening wore down and everyone began to get ready for bed, I knew I was in for a long one.
At midnight, everyone was in bed. I shifted to my upstairs office because at night it feels cozier and more comfortable than the one I have in the living room. I put on some stupid sitcom repeat that keeps me company without acutally having to watch it closely and typed away. One became two became three became . . . well let's just say that when J got up at 7:30, I was just finishing up. It was one L O N G night.
At 7:30, I crawled into the best bed in the universe and closed my eyes. 50 minutes later, the phone rang. J was gone, taking Nicole to her bus stop, so I had to answer it (yes, it's a compulsion). It was a fax which meant I had to get up, go push the button and then stand there to get the (sigh) nine page fax. By then, J came home. We chit chatted, I answered some emails, looked at the day's schedules, read the newspaper's comics and then at 9:10, I laid back down. 70 minutes later, the phone rang. J was on his cell phone so he couldn't answer it. I did and guess what? It was another fax. Sigh.
I gave up. I got up. I've been going ever since.
So my eyes feel like sandpaper. I have a sore throat. My mind feels pretty dull. I work for 10 minutes and take a break. My all nighter abilities have clearly faded away (although I bet I'd perk up if someone would only bring me some M and M's.) The day seems really, really long and it's only 1:00.
It's a long way to 11 tonight and if I could only perk up just a little bit, I could get so much done. Today was supposed to be the first day of my week off, but it ain't happenin. I fell behind and now I've got stuff due all week. It is lighter than usual though, so I am hoping to only put in 5-6 hours a day and then claim the rest for the fun stuff I had planned like reading, going shopping with my good friend Susan, spending a day out with Nicole, having a family slide show, reading, rearranging my office somewhat, going to a homeschool conference to do a book signing, reading and of course NAPPING without guilt.
But before I get there, I have two 120 question tests and a book to write. Is it vacation time yet? You can bet when it is, I will NOT be pulling any all nighters.
Friday, March 21, 2008
I Miss my Mom
Today is a good day . . . I've had some great writing projects come through that will make my income go up. It's the weekend. I just set something up for Nicole that has us all pretty darn tickled. Yet, I am feeling maudlin as hell because I miss my mom.
My mom was my biggest fan. She always told me I 'knocked her socks off'. She always, always wanted to hear news about me, my work and the kids. I never felt like it bored her. I have called my mom every 3 or so days my entire life, through college, marriage, kids, moving, whatever. There are days where I miss the sound of her voice so much, I think that I can't stand it. Now and then I hear her voice in my own and it makes me want to cry. I know that she had a long life and that I should be grateful for the relationship we had, but that none of that makes this one bit easier. I was just SO NOT ready for this. She was fine and on life support in 72 hours. It's like my brain has accepted it but my heart hasn't even come close.
I am flirting with the possibility of going back to Indiana to go through her house before it is sold and everything is given away or sold. I need to hold her things again and take those that are meaningful to me. I am hoping it will bring me some closure and some sense of peace. For now, I just have this big, empty hole in my life that no one else can fill. I know that somehow she knows this too and wants to give me a hug more than anything . . . I can feel her sometimes and hear her thoughts. Sometimes it makes me cry (like now) and sometimes, I burst out laughing.
It's sure hard to lose someone you love. Without both of my parents, I feel like my anchor to my life and who I am has been cast adrift. My darlin hubby and kids are still there, keeping me steady and safe but it still a lonely place to be.
My mom was my biggest fan. She always told me I 'knocked her socks off'. She always, always wanted to hear news about me, my work and the kids. I never felt like it bored her. I have called my mom every 3 or so days my entire life, through college, marriage, kids, moving, whatever. There are days where I miss the sound of her voice so much, I think that I can't stand it. Now and then I hear her voice in my own and it makes me want to cry. I know that she had a long life and that I should be grateful for the relationship we had, but that none of that makes this one bit easier. I was just SO NOT ready for this. She was fine and on life support in 72 hours. It's like my brain has accepted it but my heart hasn't even come close.
I am flirting with the possibility of going back to Indiana to go through her house before it is sold and everything is given away or sold. I need to hold her things again and take those that are meaningful to me. I am hoping it will bring me some closure and some sense of peace. For now, I just have this big, empty hole in my life that no one else can fill. I know that somehow she knows this too and wants to give me a hug more than anything . . . I can feel her sometimes and hear her thoughts. Sometimes it makes me cry (like now) and sometimes, I burst out laughing.
It's sure hard to lose someone you love. Without both of my parents, I feel like my anchor to my life and who I am has been cast adrift. My darlin hubby and kids are still there, keeping me steady and safe but it still a lonely place to be.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Gee, My Job is Such Fun!!
This week has been a real challenge for me. I have just had two plus months of nonstop work that is wearing me down. I started writing out an hour by hour schedule this year. I start at 8 a.m. and write out work until midnight. Now that is just beginning to get a littttttttttle old.
Last night was a bear. I had something to do that was due today and so I stayed up until 4 a.m. to do it. Sigh. It was fun when I was in college. It isn't fun today. I'm just too frickin old. I slept until 8:15 when kids walking by the house awakened me by yelling at each other. Got up, put in another two hours and then took a 90 minute nap. (Delicious!)
Since then, I have been working nonstop. I did all the revisions on a book and turned it in. I rewrote 7 items that needed to be altered. Now I am writing narration notes to one of the most boring college courses on the planet (take a hint from the name: Project Integration Framework). Perfect insomnia cure for sure.
In the middle of it, I got a very angry email from an editor accusing me of breeching contract, failure to communicate and other such nastiness. I immediately called her as I was not guilty of anything she just accused me of. Clearly the editor I work with is not telling me the same story that he is telling her. She now knows she was wrong and I am innocent of any wrong doing. Did I get an apology? Ha. Nope.
I have seven assignments left for the month. I SO want to get them done as quickly as possible so I can take a few days off next week and just veg out. I certainly need it.
People ask me what I like to do in my "free time". I tell them it is not a familiar concept. Lately, my "free time" is when I go to the restroom, eat a meal, walk out to get the mail or crawl into bed. Apparently I spend some of it bitching too, eh?
Thanks for listening to me rant.
Last night was a bear. I had something to do that was due today and so I stayed up until 4 a.m. to do it. Sigh. It was fun when I was in college. It isn't fun today. I'm just too frickin old. I slept until 8:15 when kids walking by the house awakened me by yelling at each other. Got up, put in another two hours and then took a 90 minute nap. (Delicious!)
Since then, I have been working nonstop. I did all the revisions on a book and turned it in. I rewrote 7 items that needed to be altered. Now I am writing narration notes to one of the most boring college courses on the planet (take a hint from the name: Project Integration Framework). Perfect insomnia cure for sure.
In the middle of it, I got a very angry email from an editor accusing me of breeching contract, failure to communicate and other such nastiness. I immediately called her as I was not guilty of anything she just accused me of. Clearly the editor I work with is not telling me the same story that he is telling her. She now knows she was wrong and I am innocent of any wrong doing. Did I get an apology? Ha. Nope.
I have seven assignments left for the month. I SO want to get them done as quickly as possible so I can take a few days off next week and just veg out. I certainly need it.
People ask me what I like to do in my "free time". I tell them it is not a familiar concept. Lately, my "free time" is when I go to the restroom, eat a meal, walk out to get the mail or crawl into bed. Apparently I spend some of it bitching too, eh?
Thanks for listening to me rant.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Game of Tag I Actually LIKE
Man, did I ever hate playing Tag when I was a kid. I was a slow runner and not well liked in the first placeso this put a huge red TARGET sign on my back. I still shudder when I think about it. ANYWAY, this is a new kind of Tag and I like it (and it doesn't make me feel inferior either!)
I was tagged by my good friend Susan at Am I Mental (http://www.amimental.blogspot.com/) and she said some amazingly nice things about me. (See the post "This Should Really be Called a Youyou") So I am passing the ball to keep the game going. Here are the Rules:
The rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six things you love about a friend, doesn't have to be the same friend who wrote about you, really!
(4) Tag other random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
So, I am going to bend the rules just a little and tag my darlin daughter, Nicole. (Check out her blog "A Myriad of Mosaics").
(1) She makes me laugh.
She is one person on the planet who can make me laugh so hard I am always grateful I don't need to pee or have anything liquid in my mouth at the time. I literally laugh so much when I hang with her that my ribs hurt. Our sense of humor is very similar and we have the kind of relationship that we can talk in shorthand and know exactly what the other person means. If I am going to hang out with someone just for fun, she is my top choice.
(2) She has a gentle spirit.
This girl has a tough exterior, lemme tell ya. She hikes and climbs and carries and lifts and just keeps on going. If she gets hurt, she pauses, swears a little and keeps going. And harbored inside this durable outer layer is the most gentle spirit I've ever met. She is kind and considerate and patient and loves people so much she wants to donate her life to helping them. This gentle spirit has weathered a few of life's harshest experiences too--and remains this special. Wow.
(3) She is my sweet sounding board.
This wonderful girl listens to her mother rant and rave against men, editors, work, editors, her brothers, editors and life in general. She chuckles, commiserates, never tells me what to do and then gives me a great hug (and if I'm really bent out of shape, a great massage too!)
(4) She makes us proud every day.
I know that eventually the moment will have to come where she does something that shocks and appalls me . . . but it hasn't so far. She never treats us like we're stupid or interfering. She listens to my hubby and I and takes to heart what we say. She spends her time willingly doing things that I would pay someone not to make me do and all we can do is shake our heads and marvel at this creature we somehow built almost 18 years ago.
(5) I have a great time being with her.
I know I said it before but what a treasure it is to spend the afternoon hanging out at stores or the moveis and have a wonderful time. Heck, we've been known to create quite a scene while grocery shopping. We aren't quiet or demure. We laugh and insult each other and point at cute guys and debate the merits of potato chips with flare.
(6) She truly is more than a daughter--she's my friend.
You love your children because they are your children. You may not like what they are doing, but you always love them. With Nicole, it's as easy as breathing. If I wasn't remotely related to her, I'd still adore her.
Now, I'm supposed to tag someone but I don't have that many people who read my blog . So I will just do as Susan did and invite anyone who wants to post about a friend to do so. Heck, it can even be one of your own kids!
I was tagged by my good friend Susan at Am I Mental (http://www.amimental.blogspot.com/) and she said some amazingly nice things about me. (See the post "This Should Really be Called a Youyou") So I am passing the ball to keep the game going. Here are the Rules:
The rules:
(1) Link to the person that tagged you.
(2) Post the rules on your blog.
(3) Share six things you love about a friend, doesn't have to be the same friend who wrote about you, really!
(4) Tag other random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
So, I am going to bend the rules just a little and tag my darlin daughter, Nicole. (Check out her blog "A Myriad of Mosaics").
(1) She makes me laugh.
She is one person on the planet who can make me laugh so hard I am always grateful I don't need to pee or have anything liquid in my mouth at the time. I literally laugh so much when I hang with her that my ribs hurt. Our sense of humor is very similar and we have the kind of relationship that we can talk in shorthand and know exactly what the other person means. If I am going to hang out with someone just for fun, she is my top choice.
(2) She has a gentle spirit.
This girl has a tough exterior, lemme tell ya. She hikes and climbs and carries and lifts and just keeps on going. If she gets hurt, she pauses, swears a little and keeps going. And harbored inside this durable outer layer is the most gentle spirit I've ever met. She is kind and considerate and patient and loves people so much she wants to donate her life to helping them. This gentle spirit has weathered a few of life's harshest experiences too--and remains this special. Wow.
(3) She is my sweet sounding board.
This wonderful girl listens to her mother rant and rave against men, editors, work, editors, her brothers, editors and life in general. She chuckles, commiserates, never tells me what to do and then gives me a great hug (and if I'm really bent out of shape, a great massage too!)
(4) She makes us proud every day.
I know that eventually the moment will have to come where she does something that shocks and appalls me . . . but it hasn't so far. She never treats us like we're stupid or interfering. She listens to my hubby and I and takes to heart what we say. She spends her time willingly doing things that I would pay someone not to make me do and all we can do is shake our heads and marvel at this creature we somehow built almost 18 years ago.
(5) I have a great time being with her.
I know I said it before but what a treasure it is to spend the afternoon hanging out at stores or the moveis and have a wonderful time. Heck, we've been known to create quite a scene while grocery shopping. We aren't quiet or demure. We laugh and insult each other and point at cute guys and debate the merits of potato chips with flare.
(6) She truly is more than a daughter--she's my friend.
You love your children because they are your children. You may not like what they are doing, but you always love them. With Nicole, it's as easy as breathing. If I wasn't remotely related to her, I'd still adore her.
Now, I'm supposed to tag someone but I don't have that many people who read my blog . So I will just do as Susan did and invite anyone who wants to post about a friend to do so. Heck, it can even be one of your own kids!
One Reason I'm Getting Gray
I'd like to briefly explain my morning to you--only one hour, mind you--which will explain in many ways why I am getting gray and I desperately need a vacation.
I was awakened at 9:13 a.m. (I'd been up til 3 the night before) to do an interview with a reporter from a Bend, Oregon newspaper on unschooling. Yup, sound brilliant and witty three seconds after opening your eyes.
Finished that, came downstairs and looked at my email. 24 messages so far. About 15 were about work.
The first two were yelling at me in formal tones (that goodness our world doesn't have howlers!!) because I had turned in an assignment at midnight MY time instead of midnight THEIR time. Now, it's not like they were AT work waiting for these to come in. My work was accepted but with a warning to be ON TIME next time.
Then I had to quickly re-submit a chart to an editor who needed it ASAP. So I looked it up and shot it off to him.
Then I had to approve a chart an editor is adding to one of my books. Okayed and returned.
Then I had to write to another editor and apologize for being late on something. Apparently 12 to 14 hours a day working is not enough for me to keep up.
Then I got a call from another editor explaining that work has been delayed a week or so--great news in my opinion because I don't have to think about it for a while. I also had sent her the wrong invoice for work already done and so had to re-email the right one.
I haven't been up 45 minutes at this point.
Now, I am sitting here and looking at my to do list and already feeling tired. I have two books to write the back matter for, then I have an entire SAT English test to write (60 questions, 2 essays) and turn in today. Then I have a book due tomorrow that I haven't started.
Is it vacation yet?
I was awakened at 9:13 a.m. (I'd been up til 3 the night before) to do an interview with a reporter from a Bend, Oregon newspaper on unschooling. Yup, sound brilliant and witty three seconds after opening your eyes.
Finished that, came downstairs and looked at my email. 24 messages so far. About 15 were about work.
The first two were yelling at me in formal tones (that goodness our world doesn't have howlers!!) because I had turned in an assignment at midnight MY time instead of midnight THEIR time. Now, it's not like they were AT work waiting for these to come in. My work was accepted but with a warning to be ON TIME next time.
Then I had to quickly re-submit a chart to an editor who needed it ASAP. So I looked it up and shot it off to him.
Then I had to approve a chart an editor is adding to one of my books. Okayed and returned.
Then I had to write to another editor and apologize for being late on something. Apparently 12 to 14 hours a day working is not enough for me to keep up.
Then I got a call from another editor explaining that work has been delayed a week or so--great news in my opinion because I don't have to think about it for a while. I also had sent her the wrong invoice for work already done and so had to re-email the right one.
I haven't been up 45 minutes at this point.
Now, I am sitting here and looking at my to do list and already feeling tired. I have two books to write the back matter for, then I have an entire SAT English test to write (60 questions, 2 essays) and turn in today. Then I have a book due tomorrow that I haven't started.
Is it vacation yet?
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