Today is a good day . . . I've had some great writing projects come through that will make my income go up. It's the weekend. I just set something up for Nicole that has us all pretty darn tickled. Yet, I am feeling maudlin as hell because I miss my mom.
My mom was my biggest fan. She always told me I 'knocked her socks off'. She always, always wanted to hear news about me, my work and the kids. I never felt like it bored her. I have called my mom every 3 or so days my entire life, through college, marriage, kids, moving, whatever. There are days where I miss the sound of her voice so much, I think that I can't stand it. Now and then I hear her voice in my own and it makes me want to cry. I know that she had a long life and that I should be grateful for the relationship we had, but that none of that makes this one bit easier. I was just SO NOT ready for this. She was fine and on life support in 72 hours. It's like my brain has accepted it but my heart hasn't even come close.
I am flirting with the possibility of going back to Indiana to go through her house before it is sold and everything is given away or sold. I need to hold her things again and take those that are meaningful to me. I am hoping it will bring me some closure and some sense of peace. For now, I just have this big, empty hole in my life that no one else can fill. I know that somehow she knows this too and wants to give me a hug more than anything . . . I can feel her sometimes and hear her thoughts. Sometimes it makes me cry (like now) and sometimes, I burst out laughing.
It's sure hard to lose someone you love. Without both of my parents, I feel like my anchor to my life and who I am has been cast adrift. My darlin hubby and kids are still there, keeping me steady and safe but it still a lonely place to be.