Wednesday, March 5, 2008

A Semblance of Control

Blame it on the fasting. Blame it on the barometric pressure. Blame it on hormones. Heck, blame it on the dog, but I have this sense that I am getting my life together a little better right now. . . . as a friend of mine put it, "a sense of well being". I'm putting plans in place for two exercise programs once my fast is done (yes, i have set a tentative end date) and am actually able to imagine achieving this one last goal of being thin again--or at least curvy. I've really accomplished almost all of my goals in life--a wonderful marriage of 25 plus years, four beautiful children who amaze me daily, a career that allows me to stay at home and make a good income (albeit working too many hours) and a life in one of the most incredible cities in the world. I really only had one goal left and this is it. I've reached for it more times than I can count now and the constant failure has been devastating.

For inspiration I imagine the following:
having to go back to Indiana for someting and shocking the crap out of my brother who treats me like someone who, for every pound I gained past 21, has become 10 points lower on the IQ scale
donating all of my clothes to Goodwill and starting over WITHOUT having to go to the Plus size aisle to find them.
feeling happy when J introduces me to people because they won't be thinking why is that good looking guy with HER?
being able to ACTUALLY look in the mirror and not just at my hair or my outfit but at me and not cringe
being one of those people they put on CNN with headlines like "Author Loses 150 Pounds and Becomes Trainer", except I want mine to read "Authot Loses 150 Pounds and Becomes Richer, Younger, Sexier and Smarter"
remembering a horrible moment in Las Vegas when 5 of us had to pile into a cab and the driver made me get out and get in front because otherwise "we'd never fit"
remembering standing in the funeral home for my dad's funeral 2 years ago and having a relative come over to say hello and on the way hearing someone say, "My god you could still recognize her?" and she replied, "Well, her face is almost the same" and going into the bathroom to cry

Talk about cathartic. Man, that is stuff I never told anyone and I'm putting in on the net. Sheeesh. I'm either incredibly stupid or incredibly brave. :) Maybe my mind thinks that if I post it for the world to see, I can't back out at the last minute because I will be completely humiliated. . . hmmm, interesting tactics my brain has going. I'm not sure I agree with them . . . but let's see what happens.

So here's to losing weight (10 lbs so far), pursuing two exercises classes and grabbing that semblance of control while I can. Send positive thoughts my way, people. The universe needs to be with me on this one.


Nicole said...

Oh, how strong you are. Even though your family will accept for anything you do and anywhere you go, you want to accept yourself. I want that for you, my friend. I believe one of the biggest steps in having control of your life, of getting up in the morning with a smile, of getting dressed in the morning and going walking by the mirror, and going back for a second look with a smile. I want this for you.

People have said such terrible things. You don't deserve them, and you shouldn't have to put up with those things. You already are sexy, beautiful and incredibly hugable to me.

Your my star,

Gary & Bev said...

Oh my, Tami, you are incredibly blessed with this gorgeous treasure of a daughter. Hug her and love her. Keep her and don't let her go!!!

I had things I wanted to say, but Nikki said it all and in a much better way. I want this for you also.