My life is doing some major transitioning right now and while I am pleased for the causes behind it, the actual day to day life of it is hard. Of course, the fact that I'm in pain about 80 percent of my waking hours doesn't help. I have THE most supportive husband in the world. Every day he helps me get dressed, rents and returns a wheelchair depending on how I am feeling, and manages to even make pushing me around in the thing fun.
I guess I am realizing that I am moving into a new stage of life and I am not sure I am ready to give up the one I was in. So much of who I am is a mother. For the past 30 years, I have focused on raising kids with all of the love, wisdom, compassion, patience, and sense of humor I could. Suddenly, they are all . . . grown. They are spreading those wings Joseph and I tried to nurture and using them to explore their lives and their world. I could NOT be happier or prouder. I also feel utterly superfluous.
On the other hand, I miss them so much that sometimes it is hard to breathe. I miss Caspian's astounding hugs and his ability to walk through the room, know that I was struggling and stop to talk to me. I miss his ability to ask wonderful questions and really care about my answers. Coryn will leave in a matter of weeks, and I will miss his wit and charm and lack of humility. I will miss his ability to make me laugh and the sight of his smile. And Nicole . . . my darlin girl . . . I couldn't list all the ways I miss her. How I can want so much for her and still the idea that she isn't coming back for months and months . . . it takes some adjusting. Okay, a lot of adjustment.
So much of who I am is MOM and suddenly that part is having to just take a quiet seat in the back. I'm still wife, thank goodness, and writer. (I gave up being daughter years ago, damn it.) And there is this sense of . . . . abandonment, as I was talking to Amimental about. This feeling of wait a minute . . . . where did everyone go? And why am I still sitting here? As Ami pointed out, since I work from home, it may also be harder. The house is so much quieter and I am spending more time alone right now than almost any time in my life.
I am utterly thrilled with the pathways my children are taking. I am proud and excited and happy. I am also, I know, in mourning at what stage of my life is ending. I am sure the next stage will be wonderful, but this in between stuff? It sucks.