Out of Limbo . . . Stalled in Vertigo

Well, limbo has FINALLY ended, which is good because damn, it's hard on your back, ya know? As of yesterday afternoon, our Miss Nicole has been hired to be prep cook in the kitchen on board the Alaska Railroad. She will begin the first of May, so has to leave on the ferry to get to Anchorage on April 22 (her brother's 18th birthday). We will be driving her the five hours to Bellingham, Washington to get on the ferry. I will not, not, not, not cry until she is out of sight, then all bets are off.

I remember saying goodbye to Jasmine years ago when we took her to the airport and she flew to New York to stay with a camp friend. I smiled and waved and then, as soon as she was out of sight, I put my head against the window and sobbed. It is hard to let these precious creatures go.

Having Nicole leave taps into feelings of another daughter I was close to once and who left. . . and who I miss every single day. I know that Nicole and I will call, IM, text, email and write letters all the time but damn, it ain't the same thing as sitting next to each other on the couch and giggling and watching "Supernatural" and writing letters. I won't be able to reach out and touch her. I will be surrounded by testosterone, all of whom love me, but none of whom understand girl codes like . . . talking with our eyes instead of words, splitting a cookie so all of the calories fall out first, and crying at the same commercials. It is really hard when your best friend and your daughter share the same body and decide to move to Alaska.

The job sounds so exciting and I really am thrilled for her. I just need to get my heart to match where my head is and all will be well. I will dive into work, spend more time with Joseph and the boys, read more often and keep the Alaska post office hopping to keep up with letters and packages. I will adjust . . but first, I will mourn and I think that's ok. I am giving myself permission.

Last night, a friend told us that the average ratio of men to women in Alaska is 50 to 1. If the girl was excited before, she is ecstatic now. We've already had the birth control/safe sex talk, so when I raised my eyebrows at her, she knew just what I meant.

So, the next few weeks will be interesting ones that go by tooooooo fast. I am on day five of having vertigo. I tried standing in place with eyes closed today to see what would happen and there is no doubt I would go down if a trustworthy husband wasn't standing there to stop me from falling. So, I guess I won't be operating any heavy machinery this week. Darn . . . so much for that forklift.

Vertigo, Limbo and Changes

These are dizzying, frustrating, challenging times, my friends. Top issues going on these days . . .

First, I got hit with a vertigo attack three days ago. Not the crisis level attack where I am vomiting and shaking and crying, but the afraid to turn head, stand up, lie down, move kind. If you've never had vertigo, it really is quite the experience. A scary merging of being drunk, dizzy, free falling, and in outer space where there is no gravity. You turn your head and the entire planet moves in a different direction. Nausea. Eyes jumping left and right out of your control. You get afraid to move at all. Little wonder I haven't driven in over a year, eh? Cannot imagine what might happen if I had one of those while behind the wheel. Wait. Yes, I can imagine it which is why I don't do it.

Second, we are living in limbo. Nicole was interviewed Wednesday for the job on the Alaska train. It was the second interview. They loved her and said she would know about the job on Friday. We waited and waited and finally called. She was told that they were calling with job offers that afternoon . . . and she was "most likely" on the list. . . but if we didn't hear, they would call for sure on Monday. Yes, Monday. Makes for a long weekend not knowing if she is supposed to be packing for Alaska or not. It is such a huge life change, it would be nice to know if it is happening or not. Sigh. Monday.

And finally, the changes (as if those weren't enough . . . ) We just changed cell phone services and we're all trying to learn how to work these new fangled things. Two of us got touch screens . . . and I just keep yelling, CORYN, how do I work this thing . . . makes me think of George Jetson on the treadmill calling for Jane . . . and how old that memory makes me. These phones make me feel old too. Technology is moving a little too fast for my comfort these days.

Everything else is going okay. Work is continuing to tax me (and don't even get me started on the topic of taxes themselves) and I am currently writing more than 800 assessments that are making my eyes cross and my fingers fall off. . . I'm on 350 and counting.

Thanks for stopping by. Leave me a comment so I know it was YOU.

The Orr Family Update

I have avoided posting because every time I think about doing it, I then think, but nothing new has happened. Won't that be boring to read?

Of course, I know how disappointed I am when I go to a friend's blog and they haven't posted anything new, and then guilt piles in that I might be letting others down by not posting on my own. Sheeesh.

So, while nothing monumental has changed around here, this is my update.

1. The diet continues. The family has lost about 110 pounds altogether and I am personally down 25 lbs. I wish it would SPEED up though. The sun actually peeked out yesterday creating an unexpectedly beautiful afternoon and Nicole, Caspian and I headed over to the track. I walked a mile and then ended the walk by dancing to Glee's rendition of "Bad Romance" with my kids . . . yes, in front of people. I love my family.

2. Nicole is being interviewed for two different jobs in Alaska this week. One is on the railway and that is the one she is hoping, hoping, hoping for. She will spend time in Anchorage and Fairbanks. The other one is working at a resort in Denali. To understand how I feel about all of this, look at my last post. Thrilled and excited yet dreading the idea of life without her in our house.

3. Caspian is putting plans in place for leaving in May to live on an organic farm and build yurts. He is . . . . if you know him at all, you will know what a SHOCK this is . . . .strongly considering cutting his hair. Caspian's hair is almost all the way down to his butt and has been his pride and joy for years. He recognizes, however, that working on a farm and taking care of it, especially with out a mom around to braid it, will be hard. I haven't told him that the minute he cuts it, he will probably look at least one to two years older. Or that I will cry when he does it. I think it is a wise decision and indicates that his self esteem is growing, which is a very good thing. Although he will only be about 90 minutes from home on this farm, we will most likely only see him once a month or so and yes, that same heart pain is here.

4. Work is still coming in at a somewhat steady rate but still nothing like it was back in 2008 or so. Of course, I don't want to work as hard as I did then either. If I didn't have to pay bills, we would be fine. :) Could someone please write an excuse to the IRS for me?

5. The older I get, the more I have in common with my mom and it sucks that I can't call her and talk to her about it. I finally "get" some of what she was going through and yet we can't talk on the phone and empathize with each other. I miss her.

6. We are trying to imagine this summer with only one child at home. Maupin in the summer with ONE child? Life is Good conference with one? It will feel very strange. Can anyone say "empty nest syndrome"?

So that's an update on life. Breakfast is on the table so I am off to have some. I take my meals where I can get them these days. Stay tuned.

Ambivalence, Your Name is Mother

How is it possible, in even the most complex human brain and heart, to feel incredible excitement and happiness for something while also feeling like it might rip your heart out in the process?

I know that you guys know how close my daughter Nicole and I are. Next to my husband, she is the dearest friend I have. We get the same jokes. We communicate without saying a word. She is an amazingly wonderful person inside and out. For months now, we have focused on finding her a way to travel and see the world. We've gotten books, surfed the net, made phone calls and she has applied to dozens of jobs.

Last night one of them called her and said they wanted to interview her for a potential new job.

In Wasilla.

That would be Wasilla, ALASKA.

She had the first of two interviews today and did great.

They want her in seven to 10 DAYS.

Months? Fine.

Weeks? I can deal.

DAYS????? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I'm simply not ready. It was fine when it was all dreaming and theory and some days, but now it has merged into a possible reality and I find myself vacillating between helping her looks things up and planning what she would pack and where she would live and how much she would earn with the stark and terrifying thought that she will be GONE. Not just for the afternoon, the day, the week or even the month. Just GONE. Far away.

And I will write her amazing letters and send her even better care packages. And we will text and IM and call.

And when I push past the stark pain of trying to imagine her not here, I am so excited for her, I can hardly stand it. To be 20 years old and standing at the edge of exploring the world before things like careers, marriage and children stand in the way, how could I not be excited?

But now? Next week? Really?

Sigh.

Anyone who thinks motherhood is easy has never had kids.

Bum Nuts and Nutty Bums

Gosh, there's a title you just don't see every day, right?

So, the "bum nut" part of the title is referring to my youngest son, who, Sunday afternoon reported quietly to me that not everything "down there" felt right. It was sore, swollen and heavy feeling. I am sure I am not the only mother in the world whose first thought when children mention pain is to think dire thoughts. I asked a few questions and then asked Joseph to . . . . well . . . . check it out. He did and said yes, there was something odd there. (I almost said "amiss" but that just seemed like too cheap a pun). We asked our son to keep us up to date on what happened . . . hurt more or less? swelling change? urine changes? etc. In the meantime, I made an appointment at the doctor for him. Oh yeah. And we started calling him "Bum Nut".

Every chance we got.

And we got LOTS of chances, believe me.

Now, our son is almost 15 and the only one to have touched those balls of his are himself, me years ago when diapers were still being changed, a male doctor when our son was going in for hernia surgery almost eight years ago and of course, now his father. (Child Services paying attention here?!) I wasn't sure how he would handle a female doctor checking him out . . . .but you know, he was mature and calm and great about it. He didn't even blush and conducted himself like the young adult we all know and love. The doctor reported that the mass she felt was not in the testicle itself, which was good news. She ordered an ultrasound to be on the safe side but isn't too concerned. Affording an ultrasound will take a while for us, but we will keep it in mind as we also keep close tabs on how that Bum Nut is doing. The swelling is much less than it was and all pain is gone.

As for Nutty Bums . . . .I'd like to call them something else but was trying to be (1) clever and (2) politically correct. The people I am referring to were a family in Subway that just made me so sad. A mom. Three littles ones, about 12, 9 and 6. Everyone just being so MEAN to each other. Yelling, sniping, teasing, insulting, punishing. It made me feel sick. As I was waiting to be picked up and watching this family in horror, I was texting with one child who was on a bus to meet friends and chatting with another who just experimented with running at the track. The third one, you remember him--Bum Nut--was at home. :) And all I could think was that there was more anger and bitterness and tragedy in that family in ten minutes than our family has ever experienced.

Yes, even with the Bum Nut.

I felt grateful and blessed and took a moment to call the kids and tell them how much they were loved. They immediately asked, OK, what mother is being mean to her kids in front of you? How well they know me. I explained and they all commiserated with my sadness.

Even the kid with the Bum Nut.

Empowerment Strikes

Last night I had an unusual experience that has really stayed with me.

During the day, I went to Sandy with Nicole and after lunch and she headed to her play, I walked around town a little. I don't spend much time alone so this was unusual . . . but really nice. And walking felt easy. That was a new feeling for me. I've had hip issues for months now and usually walking exhausts me. But the sun was out and I felt great. Then, later that night,

I went to a gathering of J's friends at the Lucky Lab, a brew pub. It was mostly guys and although I smiled and politely responded on the rare occasion one of them spoke to me, I primarily texted with Nicole and read a magazine. We have not eaten out much AT all since this diet started and being in a familiar restaurant where I often got sandwiches and pizza was not easy. I was worried I would really struggle and end up emotionally wrecked.

But . . .a strange thing happened. First, I ordered a pulled pork sandwich. I took off the bread and gave away the chips and just ate the meat. I checked. Feeling resentful? No. Feeling deprived? No. Feeling hungry still? Yes. (When you take off all of the other stuff, you're not left with much actual food.)

So I went back up and ordered a caesar salad. Took off all of the croutons. Ate it. Delicious! I drank my UNsweetened tea. Didn't mind it a bit.

As I walked to the bathroom and back . . . wearing a pair of jeans I have NEVER worn because they were too small from the day I first bought them . . . I felt. . . I know that this word is WAY overused in today's world but it fits best . . . . empowered! I felt strong and confident and happy. It was a really really good moment.

The moment stayed with me today as I ran around taking Nicole where she needed to go. When we stopped in a coffee shop and J shocked me by buying one of the all time favorite cookies on the planet, I had two bites. It tasted wonderful but I didn't want anymore. When we took pizza to the boys (who were sure they had died and gone to heaven), I had one bite because it was pushed into my face, but that was it. I'm thrilled not that I didn't have it but because I didn't WANT it.

So, today I decided to capitalize on that empowerment and I dusted off my sneakers (under two years worth of dust!), put on sweat pants, t-shirt and sweatshirt and earphones and borrowed my son's iPod and then I walked over to the nearby high school track. I walked a mile (four laps) while listening to "Glee" songs and mouthing the lyrics.

I know that doesn't sound like much but six months ago, walking up and down the stairs more than once or twice was difficult, so this really WAS a big deal. Poor J called me on the cell phone to check on me . . . .and had me check BP as soon as I got back (125/70 baby!). I jumped in the shower and although I am tired and I have a suspicion that I may moan and groan when crawling out of bed tomorrow, I really feel good about me.

I guess you could say, I feel . . .. empowered. Go, Tami.

Stalled in Gresham

Hey everyone. Long time, no write, I know. Partly I've been busy doing other writing (the kind I get paid for) and catching up on letters (the kind I enjoy the most), but excuses, excuses. The honest truth is is not much is going on.

Nicole went on two job interviews this week. Both were lousy. She has a much more promising one today and yesterday, she went to a summer job fair that has her excited about finding a job in Alaska with a cruise line. If I've never known ambivalence before, I do now. Excited and thrilled at her potential opportunities and distraught and depressed about her being so far away.

The diet continues . . . almost two months now and I have totally stalled out on weight loss at 23 lbs. Grrrrrr. I need the feedback of stepping on the scale and being able to push that little knob to the left, even if it is only a few ounces. I have, however, gotten rid of more than half of my jeans because they are too big. :) I will hang in there, but am still using willpower on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. My blood pressure continues to surprise me by staying normal despite very very little medication. A definite perk to this way of eating.

I am grateful that it is March and that spring is teasing us with possibilities here and there. I am so ready for the sun and warmth to return. Spring means my sons turn 18 and 15, which seems impossible. Caspian is on the edge of launching, looking into volunteering all summer at an organic farm up on Mt. Hood. Coryn is looking up college classes and lurking on web sites in hopes of connecting with some of the other teens in the area. I love how much freedom they have to explore their interests and discover who they are and what they want to do with life. I simply cannot imagine how they would be if they had to deal with grades and teachers and peer pressures all day, every day. Homeschooling was, unquestionably, the best decision we ever made as parents. Our amazing children are all the proof we need. They are happy, smart, curious, compassionate, loving and FUN.

Work is . . . . I don't know . . . work? It still is nowhere near being as strong as a few years ago. New projects do come in but far too slowly to make me comfortable. The truth is . . . I don't want to put in the long hours I have to when the projects do come tumbling in. I'm almost 52 and aware that my drive and ambition are just not what they were ten years ago.

Other news . . . hmm. . . .not much, hence the lack of posting. I have been watching some new TV series with the family (another perk . . . we all spend the evening together watching something and discussing it). Latest discoveries include "The United States of Tara" and "Supernatural". Oh and we are re-enjoying "Jericho". Great series that, like "Firefly", should never have been cancelled. We are "Glee" fans too . . . well, Nicole, Coryn and I are . . . . Joseph walks in and out and Caspian just runs the other way.

That's it from the Orr camp. Tune in again soon and I hope to not take so long to return. And that the STALL has ended.