Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Angry Woman in Portland

It isn't fair. I know life isn't fair and we are taught that when we are about five years old, but I still am trying to come to grips with it.
I had a great day today. I was exhausted, but it was a great day. I went out of town with my sweetie and we had the best best time. We laughed and joked and got lost and used GPS for the first time and just had so much fun.
I crawled into bed at 1:45 a.m. It's now 6 a.m. and I may have slept an hour. I took the biggest pain pill I have and it might as well have been a vitamin C. I laid in bed in so much pain I thought it had to be radiating from me. I had four, FOUR cramps, once in both feet at the same time. I laid in bed feeling my muscles twitching over and over and over. Finally, I got up and came downstairs.
The doctor's office called today as they said they would. Instead of being given a brief xray report, however, they ask that I get back in the office to see the doctor and "discuss" the results. What?!?! Why? This does not bode well as he told me he would only call me back in if my back was unstable and would need a more invasive surgery. Now I have to wait until Friday afternoon to talk to him. It's gonna be a long week.
I don't understand why I am so much worse in bed at night. It's mean (picture Tami stamping her foot in indignation) because I love our bed. It is a safe haven from the world. It is a sanctuary where I go with Joseph when the world is too much. I cuddled my little ones in that bed as they grew and moved into their own rooms. I read great books there. I make love there. It's MY PLACE. And to have it associated now with pain makes me angry.
I guess it boils down to that. .  I am so angry. I have a wonderful, wonderful life. I adore my husband, and my children and my job and where I live and my hobbies and my friends. . . and this WHATEVER I have is zapping all of the energy I need to be able to enjoy it. And I'm mad. And it just IS. NOT. FAIR.

1 comment:

Ami said...

I can't wait until all this shit is over for you and we can celebrate. I'll bake something decadent. I'll bring you flowers.